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How to launder money

wisebread.com — Money laundering is not a simple concept. It's two simple concepts, because there are two different--in fact, nearly completely opposite--activities that are called money laundering. Here's how to do both of them.

Bury
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  • MikeonTV, on 10/10/2007, -7/+3I have a feeling Philip Brewer will soon be synonymous with the term 'Money Laundering' and not for any good reason.
  • asif5th, on 11/03/2007, -5/+235We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
  • SmackMyMac, on 10/10/2007, -1/+102Look, I'm sorry. I do not know anything about money laundering.
    • Xtopherous, on 10/10/2007, -4/+67What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
  • lkmbrd, on 10/10/2007, -1/+98Fractions of a penny.
  • bobbothegrayson, on 10/10/2007, -3/+145Did anyone else think Office Space when they saw the title?
    • dgblackout, on 10/10/2007, -2/+63yep, i think everyone did
      • davidsmero, on 10/10/2007, -1/+29I second that.
        "We could just launder the money"
        "Yeah that will work......how do we do that?"
    • Discobiscuits, on 10/10/2007, -8/+2I dugg it just for that reason... sad of what I've been making of Digg lately.
    • Disinterested, on 10/10/2007, -8/+1no man what's office space?

      /sarcasm
    • pennvneff, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Actually the first movie I thought of was "Lethal Weapon 2". I always felt that the explanation Joe Pesci gave was woefully inadequate.
  • SeethisPass, on 10/10/2007, -12/+0Huh?
    • SeethisPass, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0Now that was funny, I don't care who you are. boys and girls .;)
  • scottpigeon, on 10/10/2007, -3/+108I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in the dictionary.
    • celeb, on 10/10/2007, -7/+2If they were real nerds they would have used the internet. Did anyone notice how no one in the movie seemed to have a computer at their home?
    • Desolite, on 10/10/2007, -0/+4don't you mean Diggtionary?
  • thread, on 10/10/2007, -21/+9Did anybody think of anything besides Office Space when they saw the title?
  • spyd3rweb, on 10/10/2007, -4/+48Hey Peter man, check out channel 9, check out this chick!!!
  • rald84, on 10/10/2007, -3/+16wash, rinse, repeat.
    • BZKyle, on 10/10/2007, -2/+2Damn. You beat me to it.
    • ccanni1028, on 10/10/2007, -0/+51-Wash
      2-Rinse
      3-Repeat
      4-Iron to make it look crisp and new
  • woofers07, on 10/10/2007, -12/+33We really only need one good Office Space quote.
    • rebopper, on 10/10/2007, -0/+9...of course the people to cake ratio is far too great...
    • ccheath, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1PC Load Letter... WHAT THE ***** DOES THAT MEAN?
  • mv10, on 10/10/2007, -9/+1Lame.
  • SgtSilverfish, on 10/10/2007, -5/+2Use egold.
  • jetfuel, on 10/10/2007, -5/+21My cousin's a cokehead!
  • TomRemixed, on 10/10/2007, -14/+3What am I going to do with 100 subscriptions to the Source?
    • tidu, on 10/10/2007, -0/+16You couldn't be farther from the quote..
  • crapmatic, on 10/10/2007, -7/+2Um, Western Union? Except the pounding in the ass comes from them, financially speaking.
  • tritiumpie, on 10/10/2007, -4/+4Martin Frankel would be so proud

    (When the Feds busted into one of his pads, they found a To Do list, the first item being "launder money")

    details here: http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/classics/frankel/1.html
  • Torx, on 10/10/2007, -7/+31. History Channel's "Counterfeit Documentaries"
    2. "How to launder money"
    3. Profit$$$
  • expat001, on 10/10/2007, -7/+1Too bad neteller is no longer.
  • tizz66, on 10/10/2007, -2/+16I tried to launder my money once, but it ruined it. It just came out as pulp. I don't recommend that anyone tries it.
    • greenlight2001, on 10/10/2007, -0/+14My friggin' girlfriend launders my money every damn chance she gets... why don't girls understand that the wallet stays in the back pocket until the pants smell so much I can't reasonably wear them for one more day. Keep my wallet out of the washing machine woman!
    • xile, on 10/10/2007, -0/+3That's what's nice about US currency--made of cotton so it doesn't fall apart when it gets wet.
  • psykiv, on 10/10/2007, -4/+2I was thinking, if its a ridiculously large amount, just open up a casino.
    Or just denounce your US citizenship and GTFO of here.
    • ccheath, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1why bother denouncing citizenship?
      can't you just take a long vacation for the rest of your life?
  • MagicCake, on 10/10/2007, -4/+7Ah yes, I knew as soon as I clicked this story that it would be full of Office Space quotes. Good work guys.
  • Dhalgren, on 10/10/2007, -5/+2Tide or Cheer?
  • soot, on 10/10/2007, -8/+2I used to think money laundering involved putting money in the washing machine.
    • soot, on 10/10/2007, -4/+2What, I was like eight.
    • willtwilson, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2That's because fake printed money was sometimes placed in washing machines to help give it a crumpled, worn look.
  • chrisinsocalif, on 10/10/2007, -5/+3Good ideas. Now all i need to do is to make the money to launder.....
  • gn0stik, on 10/10/2007, -4/+4Hey peter, take care man, watch out for the corn hole bud.
  • zymase13, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Realize that The Man has made it a lot harder to launder money through the USA PATRIOT Act, which followed a pretty long line of anti-money laundering laws that make it pretty easy for the government to identify and prosecute any of the entry-level ***** described in this story. Anyone working in the financial industry knows that there's a lot more than "disappear" and "reappear," and may God help you if you follow this advice, because the justice system won't.
    • cephelo, on 10/10/2007, -2/+3That's OK, the Fed can always just print some more money to make up for whatever money I 'disappear'.
  • Lane, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Thanks but no thanks, I'll stick to my mattress!
    • Darmichar, on 10/10/2007, -0/+6Change the sheets occasionally and you won't have that problem.
  • Gohome190, on 10/10/2007, -2/+8I'm a Michael Bolton fan.
  • AUmrysh, on 10/10/2007, -1/+0"Blogger under investigation for money laundering" will the headlines read in the morning.
  • 1337diggster, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2About the author:
    "For twenty-five years a software engineer. Now a full-time writer"

    Yea, lets take financial advice from a software guy. Real great idea. Well first off, if you are going to launder money don't take it to any banks or saftey deposit boxes. Thats the last place you want to go.
  • flyin18T, on 10/10/2007, -2/+5Looks like someone has a case of the Monday's.
  • catfish182, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Whats bad is there will be at least one person that diggs this and tries this.
  • iMaciMan1, on 10/10/2007, -1/+4What kind of nerds are we talking about laundering money on a tech news website?
  • TwiceHephaestus, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1All of it sounds good, except that these days, most of it can, and is, stopped. Here in Canada at least, there are laws requiring banks and money agencies to report any large money movements. Through data mining and careful analysis, any large scale laundering is noticed, and people get arrested. Many other countries have similar laws, and the United States is no exception.
  • mbstone, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2IAAL, and in my experience software engineers tend to be the worst clients; many of them are insufferable know-it-alls who imagine themselves as experts in the law, finance, etc. This guy has nothing informative to say, either on what the money laundering laws prohibit; the many investigative methods used to catch violators; or the cost of a lawyer if one is criminally charged. There is no discussion of CTRs; SARs; structuring; or other topics. The article is both non-informative and dangerous.
  • nairbil, on 10/10/2007, -6/+03 steps to laundering money:
    1. Add water.
    2. Add Tide (or detergent of choice).
    3. Agitate.
    (washing machine is recommended but non-essential)
    • wisie, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1I think that would be funny if we used the term washing money?
      • tnoy, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1You obviously have never owned a dictionary.
    • Piedramente, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0I did this and all got I got was ****** pulp.... what was the point of this?!!
  • andrew522, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1welcome to the government watch list!
    • badassninja, on 10/10/2007, -0/+0Please show me your papers. You do know you are out past curfew don't you?
  • rouslan, on 10/10/2007, -0/+2Most (if not all) businesses in the Russian Federation employ these techniques (otherwise they will close down quickly) but get away with it if caught (bribes, etc.) so it's not really worth to do this in the US. Also urinating into gasoline, selling vodka with ambient temperature difference (to increase the volume), injecting water to sausages using a syringe, etc. is done to rip the consumer off.
  • fkr3, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Are you actually required to declare money when you travel? I've been to ~a dozen countries in the last 2 years and on all the paperwork the magic number seems to be $10,000 - if you don't have that much on your person you don't need to declare anything.
    • rouslan, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Then don't declare anything-it's just a scare tactic. I know people who have transported tens of thousands of USD to the Russian Federation, else there is a very customs tax. I won't get into the specifics of how to do this for obvious reasons.
  • gbro, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1I wouldn't use any of these ideas.

    In other news, my Night Golf business is booming.
  • thegreathal, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1Mirror: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Office_space
  • erkokite, on 10/10/2007, -2/+2I use Tide.
  • mishaco, on 10/10/2007, -1/+1good to know . i was going to ask my cousin , who's a coke head .
  • MrTea, on 10/10/2007, -2/+1See Lethal Weapon 2 for instructions by Joe Pesci.
  • ryannerd, on 10/10/2007, -0/+4He missed the one business that is usually a front for money laundering: Strip Clubs

    Since the patrons pay in cash as "tips" to the dancers, there's a lot of cash money coming in of varying amounts. Surveillance is useless as well as subpoenaing the water bill.
  • Spuy767, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1Dugg for that ***** picture!
  • socomoddjob, on 10/10/2007, -1/+2You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
  • aristotle0dude, on 10/10/2007, -0/+1It is far more difficult to launder money than it used to be.
  • anarchytv, on 11/03/2007, -0/+2You get caught laundering money, you're not sent to a 'pound me in the ass prison'. The CIA steps in at that point, you're given a choice of working for them or rotting away in a prison cell(not much of a choice, kind of a compeling proposition), files some paper work, and puts you on their payroll and on a plane with a suitcase. Assuming you were fairly good at it, but not so good you ended up letting yourself get busted.
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