How Can I Tell My Girlfriend I Once Slept With Her Dad, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists (and subreddits) addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Girlfriend I Once Slept With Her Father?
Five years ago, I went through a bi phase and used to sleep around with pretty much everyone that came along, including other men. This changed when I fell in love with my new partner, who is everything to me. I recently met her parents and halfway through lunch realised that I had slept with her father. I was going to propose, but when my partner and her mother were away, he told me to end it with his daughter. I'm obviously in love — shall I just ignore him, or tell my partner?
Pamela Stephenson Connolly thinks that there's no way to continue the relationship without doing serious damage. "Walk away now, and avoid the massive pain that would otherwise be inflicted on your partner, her family and yourself," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Do I Tell My Husband I'm Dating His Ex-Wife?
Me and my husband have been together for four years and married for two years. [We've] been open from the very beginning due to long distance (for the 1st year of our relationship I lived in NY and he lived in Seattle) and traveling a lot. But now we're settled and just enjoying being able to explore the depths of our sexualities. We generally try to meet each other's partners if they're okay with it.
The problem is that I won't let my husband meet my partner of six months because she's his ex wife. We met at my step daughter's play and hit it off immediately. We became fast friends and hung out a lot. But after a hook up we decided to get more serious. And have been dating ever since. We go out a few times a month and occasionally take weekend trips away.
She has a common name so it's easy to talk about her around my husband and our friends who know our arrangement. But they're all getting to [the] point where they want pictures or to meet her. And I keep having to come up like she's not out yet or she's not comfortable meeting my husband. But I'm running out of excuses.
I know their divorce was super amicable and they're still friendly and not just for the kids. But I can't bring myself to say I'm dating your ex wife. And I just wish I could. Instead of spending every kid function the three of us end up at wanting to die.
She keeps telling me to just tell him but I can't. I'm honestly in love with her[;] she's really cool and smart and beautiful. The last thing I want to do is break up with a woman I love because [of] the man I love.
Commenters on the r/relationships subreddit (and followers of the Reddit-advice-question-screenshotting Twitter account relationships.txt) agree that — assuming this scenario isn't entirely made up — the letter writer needs to grow a spine. "You just need to tell him. It's not about 'how.' It's 'when,' and the answer is 'six months ago,'" writes one Redditor. Read the rest of their answers and also the letter writer's dramatic update.
How Can I Get My Boss To Stop Playing With My Hair?
The director at my work pats or squeezes everyone's shoulders on a daily basis. I don't love it, but I can live with it since he's not just doing it to women generally or to me specifically.
What I can't live with is his playing with the ends of my hair. I keep it chin-length, so his hands are awfully close to my face and neck and it startles me. Also, today I think he … missed, or something?…and ended up sort of tickling me between my jaw and my ear like he was scratching an animal behind its ears. HORRIFYING.
I know I need to address it, but I don't know how. If I do it in the moment it might embarrass him because it only happens in a room full of people (it's usually pretty quiet and everyone will hear it), but if I try to address it privately it'll feel like I'm making a huge deal of it. I've also let it slide three times now, because I haven't known how to address it, and I think that makes things worse.
Alison Green suggests using nonverbal cues to get across how weird and invasive this behavior is. "The next time he touches your hair, jerk away dramatically — like he completely startled you and freaked you out," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Reasonable To Expect Both Parents To Get Up Whenever A Newborn Cries At Night?
My husband and I are expecting our first child this summer, and we're stuck on one specific debate. We can't decide on an appropriate schedule for who should get up in the middle of the night with the newborn! My husband is firmly in the camp of splitting things 50/50 — either trading off who gets up or planning that he takes the early mornings while I get up in the late night (he's an early riser, and I'm a night owl).
This sounded pretty reasonable to me at first, but I can't help but worry that I'm going to end up taking on the lion's share here either way. While I don't have a ton of pride wrapped up in its success, I would like to try breastfeeding, which makes me think that I'll likely be getting up with the baby pretty much every time regardless. I'm also a light sleeper, so I can't imagine that I'll be sleeping through a crying baby. As a result, I proposed that we both get up every time. We'll be getting used to a huge change in those early weeks, and it'll be nice to have an extra pair of hands. When I bring it up, my husband looks at me like I have three heads! He thinks that we'll both end up sleep-deprived and miserable; he also doesn't get much paternity leave, so he'll be working through most of this period.
I know we're both just trying to plan for what is ultimately a hypothetical, but still! We're at an impasse. Am I being unreasonable? Is this even a problem?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe sides with the husband. "Please field-test some good noise-canceling headphones and/or earplugs so that the not-on-duty parent can actually sleep, and know that it's going to be bad and then it will get better," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Neighbor To Rename Her Dogs, Since They Have The Same Names As My Daughter?
My one-year-old daughter is named Raphaëlle Lucrezia. My neighbor in our small apartment block recently acquired two dogs and named them Raphaëlle and Lulu. I know the spelling of the dog's name is the same as my daughter's because all apartment owners must approve a written request for new dogs in the building. I am offended that my neighbor used my child's name for a dog. May I ask her to rename it?
Philip Galanes gives the letter writer permission to ask politely. "You can still go to your neighbor and say, 'I'm uncomfortable that you've used my child's name for your dogs,'" he writes. "Of course, she's under no obligation to rename them." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Dad And Stepmom To Get Off My Case About Booting My Stepsister Off My Netflix Account?
I am 10 years older than my half-sisters and manage all the online subscription sites. "Kylie" is thoughtful and never shares my password; "Kaylee" spreads it around as often she does her bed. I am tired of not watching the programs I pay for because Brad/Chad/whoever keeps using my password even after Kaylee broke up with them. Kaylee lies to me and promises not to share and then does so. I got sick of it and blocked her entirely. I told her that when she proves to stop being a liar, I will let her back on. Kaylee stamped her foot and complained to my stepmother. She is now throwing a fit and it is affecting my relationship with my dad. My stepmother thinks I am "playing favorites" because Kylie and Kaylee get treated on their behavior rather than "equally" (ask me which of my sisters has failed and repeated college without paying for it!).
I have tried to be diplomatic, but my last conversation with my father devolved to me comparing my actions at 19 to Kaylee's. My dad responded, "You are not Kaylee." I asked him if that wasn't a problem—expecting the best from his oldest daughters and the worst from his youngest. He couldn't answer me. Kaylee isn't a child; she is almost 20. I love my family, but it has become obvious that Kaylee lives by different rules than Kylie and me. What do I do here?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg recommends therapy. "I get that it's frustrating to do a younger sibling a solid, watch them abuse your favor, and then run to your parents when you try to set a boundary, but you need to separate out your feelings about a shared streaming service from your feelings about how your parents treat her from your feelings about her sex life," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
