How Can I Get My Boyfriend's Ex-Wife To Stop Using His Last Name, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Refuse To Take My Boyfriend's Last Name Until His Ex-Wife Stops Using It?
My boyfriend and I both got divorced about the same time, but his took much longer to become final. It is finally over, so we have begun talking seriously about marriage and starting a family.
During one of our conversations, he mentioned that his ex-wife doesn't intend to change back to her maiden name. I was shocked because she took advantage of him financially and was emotionally abusive all during their marriage. They had no kids, so it has nothing to do with her wanting to share the same name with them. They were married only a few years, so she isn't well established under that name, either.
When I asked him why she wasn't changing it, he told me she said his family was always nicer to her than her own. I suggested he ask her to adopt another last name of her choosing if she doesn't want to go back to her maiden name rather than be falsely associated with a family she is no longer a part of (or welcome in). He won't consider taking on my last name, so I'm thinking about keeping my own maiden name after our marriage until she changes hers. Am I overreacting, or are two "Mrs." too many?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren rules that it's perfectly okay for women to keep their married name after a divorce. "[I]f you wish to keep your maiden name, you are free to do it — many women do," she writes. "But if you make that decision, please do it for any other reason than because of the one you put in your letter to me." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Convince My Relative Not To Sell His House In The Hopes Of Gaming The Market?
A relative of mine is considering a financial move I believe is a major mistake. His only financial asset is his home, and he plans to put it on the market with the intention of repurchasing it when, in his words, "real estate crashes next year" in Los Angeles. In the interim, he will rent a similar home for a cost comparable to his monthly mortgage payment.
I have three decades of experience in financial markets and real estate, and everything tells me my relative is making a huge mistake. The world's most experienced investors all agree that it is impossible to time markets, be they financial, equity or real estate. Saddled with a high monthly rent, I fear my relative will burn through the proceeds on the sale of his home in a few years and be left with nothing. (There is a chance that I'm wrong and that real estate in Los Angeles will decline by 50 percent, as my relative believes. If I persuade him to keep his house and it plunges in value, I will have given him terrible advice. )
What is my ethical obligation here? My relative is thin-skinned, and I worry about damaging our relationship. But I believe that he will enter his retirement years with no safety net if he takes this path.
Kwame Anthony Appiah gives the letter-writer permission to try to talk their relative out of this bonkers idea. "Your job isn't to persuade your relative to do anything in particular," he writes. "It's to tell him what you would do in his situation, so he can take your expertise into account in making his decision." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get Out Of Mandatory Twice-Daily Group Therapy At My Office?
I'm an administrator for a private recovery and mental health center… We were notified last year that we now have a mandatory group therapy session as a staff first thing in the morning (8 am) and before we leave (5:30 pm) and that all staff must participate. I'm a salaried employee and I don't get overtime. I come in at 7 am and leave at 3:30. We're expected now to stay until the 5:30 session, but I can't alter the time I come in. I'm essentially working for an extra two hours for free daily…
We're expected to fully "therapize" in the session — it's not just checking with everyone on how their day was or like a morning meeting. We had to fill out paperwork about our childhood and life trauma that asked if we were sexually abused. I was horrified at the personal things our manager is expecting us to divulge to him…
I've reported my boss but our executive branch and board of directors are very, very slow to respond on almost anything. I rely on my job because the insurance is amazing but this is insane. I'm usually great at keeping my work life and home life separate but the idea of going to work now makes me nauseous… Am I wrong here? Am I mistaking concern for the health of our staff for something else?
"This is one of the worst things I've heard about in years of writing this column, and I really want you to leave," replies Alison Green, who also suggests that this practice may be illegal under the Americans With Disabilities Act. Read the rest of her answer.
How Should I Talk To My 'Stunningly Beautiful' Toddler About Inappropriate Touching?
I'm a single mom to a stunningly beautiful 3-year-old daughter. (People in public are constantly commenting on her beauty and suggesting she model, I'm not being biased or egotistical — OK, maybe a little!) I'm wondering how to have a conversation with her about places people shouldn't touch on her body. She currently speaks like a little Frankenstein so I know it's not going to be some in-depth discourse, but I want to at least start talking to her about these things. I don't want something to happen and find out about it 20 years from now and quietly die inside because I failed to protect her or teach her that she needs to come to Mommy with these kinds of things right away. What advice do you have for me?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe points out that the letter-writer seems to have a misunderstanding of child sexual abuse. "There is not the kind of connection between being very beautiful and being preyed upon that one might expect," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Dump My New Girlfriend After Finding Out She Hates Superhero Movies?
I've been seeing this woman for about a month. She is beautiful and smart and thinks I'm funny, which is a plus. It's been getting more serious. But recently, when we were trying to decide which movie to see, some new info came to light. It turns out she hates superhero movies and comic books. This is a total turnoff to me, to the point that I now think this relationship may be doomed. I just see it as sort of a litmus test for personal compatibility. Should I end things now before I get deeper, or am I being petty?
[Creators]
Annie Lane says that shared taste in movies isn't the kind of compatibility that the letter-writer should be worried about. "It can definitely help to have shared hobbies, but shared hobbies alone can't form the bedrock of a serious romantic relationship," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Fiancée To Leave Her Engagement Ring To My Daughter After She Dies?
I'm 62 and getting married for the third time. I bought my next wife a beautiful $7,000 diamond engagement ring. Do you think it would be OK to ask her to pass it on to my daughter after she passes?
Quentin Fottrell does not think it would be OK. "Don't give her a ring with conditions attached," he advises. "That effectively puts finance ahead of romance." Read the rest of his answer.
