How Should I Handle Relatives Who Gave My Father Too Much Morphine And Took His Money, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Niece To Return Money That She Took From My Father When He Was Dying And On Morphine?
My niece took $60,000 of my late father's money after she got power of attorney while he was on morphine. He died two weeks later. My sister's name was on his bank account and she took money out of the bank. My nephew's wife was administering the morphine to him, apparently giving him too much so much that they couldn't take him to the doctor, so she took him to the bank instead.
I know nothing is black and white, but I can't let them get away with this because he was my dad and they have no right to his money. What's more, my sister already has money, owns her own business. She is, in my opinion, money hungry and is now spending the money frivolously. I actually need the money. I just can't sit around and let her think that I'm not going to do nothing about it.
I live in California. He died three months ago and we were never close, but that doesn't mean I don't deserve what he had left. My father didn't do anything for me while he was alive, so this is one way he can make amends for that. If there's any way you could point me in a direction where I could challenge what they've done with my father's bank account, I would appreciate that.
Quentin Fottrell, aka The Moneyist, offers some very practical advice for a very bonkers situation. "You don't mention if your father had a will or not," he writes. "If he did not have a will when he died, you are certainly entitled — by law — to your share of his estate." Read the rest of his answer.
How Should I Tell A Heavy Employee She'll Be Fired If She Doesn't Use A Heavy Duty Chair?
One of my employees is a rather heavy person and has broken four chairs in the past year. My office is pretty flexible about office equipment, so after the first chair, I gave her the catalogue to pick what she needed. After chair #2 and two conference room chairs broke, I suggested getting a heavy duty chair. She burst into tears and said she didn't want a "fat lady chair" because it was stigmatizing. I get it. Our culture is unforgiving to fat people, especially fat women. Chair #3 met the fate of chair #2, so for chair #4 I ordered her a heavy duty chair. She swapped it with a coworker. That chair broke too. My boss, looking at our supply budget, said that she takes and uses a heavy-duty chair or she is gone.
So, my question to you is what did I do wrong to get to this point? And how should I approach the "use this chair or be fired" conversation? She's an otherwise okay employee, not the best, not the worst. I just can't have her absorbing the equipment budget for six people.
Alison Green advises the letter-writer to be very clear with the employee. "It's reasonable to require her to sit in a chair rated for her weight, but it doesn't sound like you've told her yet that this isn't optional — and if that's the case, it's premature to threaten to fire her," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Is It Normal For A Trans Person To Claim That They Have No Memory Of Their Life Or Behavior Before Their Transition?
About one and a half years ago my nephew (24) came out as transgender. His mom would not accept this, and he asked if he could come stay with us for a short time while looking for a job and an apartment. We readily agreed and have always used his proper name and pronouns. Upon his arrival, I was shocked by the person he had become… He refused to look for work, he balked at helping with basic chores, and he expected to be taken care of financially. We were paying all of his living expenses, including clothing, fuel, and toiletries. He would not eat the food that we prepared and would have a complete meltdown if my husband and I didn't prepare a separate meal for him.
After a couple of months of this nonsense, I sat him down to discuss him finding employment and his own place, as per the original agreement. He said that he hadn't looked for work because using his legal name would cause his dysphoria to become debilitating. We paid for him to legally change his name and get a new ID. He began ignoring me completely. If he was displeased with the meal we had prepared, he would slam cupboards, sigh, and dramatically throw it out. I sat him down and asked what the issue was. Initially, he denied that he was behaving in any way other than how "normal, unrelated roommates" act toward each other. I pointed out that those "roommates" also pay rent and contribute to the household upkeep. He lost his temper and started screaming at me. The next day I tried to approach the situation in a different manner by asking him how he behaved when he lived with his grandma. He claimed that he did not remember. After having a few more questions answered in the same way, I voiced concern about him having no memories of his first 23 years. He then informed me that, as those were years when he was "female," he couldn't be expected to remember them. He said that the experience and memory ceased to exist once he realized that he was male. Is this a commonly seen change when a person begins their transition? Due to his behavior I no longer allow him to live with us.
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg assures the letter-writer that their nephew isn't experiencing the normal effects of transition; he's simply a jerk. "Claiming to 'not remember' badly treating other people in the past isn't a function of transition; it's a function of trying to avoid accountability and get away with bad behavior," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Continue To Pursue A Relationship With A 'Perfect Woman' Who's Also A Bigoted Conspiracy Theorist?
I am a soon-to-be divorced man who has suffered a great deal of pain after the collapse of my lengthy marriage.
After enduring the dissolution of multiple post-separation relationships, I found what in many ways is the perfect woman. As we have gotten to know each other, however, we have found huge ideological gulfs between us.
My significant other does not vote. She does not believe in vaccination. Her disapproval of the gay lifestyle extends to having animosity toward gay individuals. She believes they flaunt a deviance that they have chosen. She believes in conspiracy theories, putting stock in the theory that the Pentagon was damaged by a missile in 2001, that there was no plane that flew into it. Her positions rankle me.
Do you believe that a relationship between individuals who are opposites in many respects can survive and thrive?
[Creators]
Annie Lane replies that this doesn't sound like a case of opposite personalities complementing each other. "Don't be in such a rush to partner up that you settle for someone and find yourself wanting to excuse away major issues," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why Did My Friends Feel The Need To Tip Extra After I'd Already Tipped 25% On Our Fancy Birthday Dinner?
I invited a couple out for the husband's 60th birthday. We sat at the "chef's table" (in the front of the kitchen) and had amazing food and service. We all agreed it was a perfect evening.
I paid the bill and left a 25 percent tip on a $400 bill (for three people). The couple then proceeded to hand cash to the staff in spite of the fact that I had told them I had already tipped 25 percent, and they acknowledged that they knew it.
It was never my intention that they pay anything, and I was embarrassed. I felt like creeping out of the restaurant and never going back. Am I wrong to feel this way? Why wasn't my gift enough?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren, unusually, hits this one out of the park. "Your guests were so impressed that they shared their pleasure with the staff," she writes. "What they did was no reflection on you, and you should not allow it to discourage you from going back." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Student Loan Collector They Accidentally Credited $10,000 To My Account?
Since graduating from college in 2013, I have been paying off my student loans. My payment plan has been level, and I pay the same amount every month. This past month, there was $10,000 credited to my account. I examined my checking account to confirm that I hadn't accidentally overdrafted it; I hadn't. Do I have any obligation to inform the loan collector of this mistake? For obvious reasons, I'm hesitant to get in touch with them, but I'm also worried that this could eventually come back to me, plus interest. Should I inquire and hope the loan collector doesn't undo this surprising mistake?
Kwame Anthony Appiah, ever the buzzkill, urges the letter-writer to tell the loan collector about the credit. "You could discover that the credit was intentional and you're entitled to it guilt-free," he writes. "Worst case, you owe exactly what you thought you owed." Read the rest of his answer.
