How Can I Prevent My Mother-In-Law From Organizing A Surprise Bris For My Son, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Prevent My Mother-In-Law From Organizing A Surprise Bris For My Son?
My fiancé was raised as a reform Jew; I am a casual Christian. We have mutually decided not to circumcise our forthcoming son. His family is, to put it lightly, up in arms about our not hosting a bris. ("Because it's a Jewish rite of passage!")
I've tried reasoning that I won't be up for hosting 20-plus people seven days after giving birth; I've tried explaining that we just won't be circumcising; I've tried making the argument that it's not sterile for a random rabbi to cut our newborn on the dining room table. I've done everything short of saying "Because I don't want to host a penis party to expose my son to the world."
Through my fiancé's sister, we were warned of my future mother-in-law's plan to host a "surprise" bris at our house a week after the birth! I'm ready to fly off the handle. This isn't completely out of character for her, but it seems like a new level of crazy and violation. My fiancé has intervened in the past, but never on something of this magnitude. I feel that as the baby's mother, this is not a situation I should just leave to him.
How do I confront her about this and, God forbid, deal with a "surprise bris" if family and a rabbi show up at our door in a few months?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe rules that the letter writer's fiancé, not the letter writer, needs to address the topic with his mother. "I guarantee that she does not think the decision was mutual," she writes. "She thinks that you, 'a casual Christian,' have pressured her Jewish son into forgoing something intensely important to his cultural heritage." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Continue To Work For My Brother, Who Talked Me Into Overstaying My Visa And Then Started Underpaying Me?
My brother convinced me to visit him in the US, so I applied for a temporary visa and came. I left many friends and family members there. I miss them and my life…
He was setting up a business and wanted me to come here to help him, which I did. He paid me well, and I worked on construction for him 10-12 hours daily. When my visa was close to expiring, he talked me into staying illegally so I could continue working for him.
Once I did that, he lowered my pay to minimum wage, which I can't live on, and I can't get any other jobs because of my expired visa. I have tried but only been offered very low pay. There is no work in my country, but being poor there is easier than here. If I leave now with my current visa status, I can't return here for many years. My heart hurts, and I feel lied to. I am very slowly learning English, but I can't live under these conditions. I don't know what to do.
[Creators]
Lindsey Novak calls the letter writer's brother's actions "diabolical." "Human trafficking is illegal and beyond evil, and though he is your brother, his actions match those who commit this crime," she adds. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Employees To Stop Spreading False Rumors That I Got In A Physical Fight At Work?
I just found out from one of my staff, Fergus, that two of his coworkers, Betty and Veronica, told him when he was hired a year ago that I had once gotten into a physical fight with a former staff member (Diana), and then called the police and had them escort her from the building.
Diana didn't leave on the best of terms, but it happened because she'd found a better-paying job, not because I had her removed from the building. The two of us never even had a verbal fight, much less a physical one, and I certainly never called the police about her (or any other staff member!)…
I'm completely baffled about how this rumor got started, but I'm just as stumped about how to go forward. Unfortunately, Betty died of cancer about two months ago, and since Veronica was originally hired as Diana's replacement, it's a good bet the story originated with Betty.
I feel like I need to address this with Veronica, if only to ask her not to keep repeating the story (it apparently gets brought up every time a new person is hired), but I don't want to come across as though I'm badmouthing Betty or accusing her of lying. She and I had our differences (apparently even worse ones than I'd thought!), but she was fundamentally a good person, and her death has been very hard on all of us.
Alison Green advises the letter writer to approach Veronica about it without mentioning Betty. She suggests saying, "I have a very odd topic to bring up with you! Fergus recently told me he'd heard (fill in details). I need to tell you that never happened, and never would happen!" Read the rest of her answer.
Was I Wrong To Leave My Friend's Stepdaughter Out Of A Portrait I Painted Of My Friend And Her Daughters?
For a friend's birthday, I decided to paint a portrait of her, her late mother, and her adult children (two girls of her own and a stepdaughter). I contacted all three children back in January to please send me a picture so I could paint them. I contacted the stepdaughter (she lives out of state) several times. I even sent her a letter with a paid-for return envelope for the picture. She told me she would get around to it but never did.
I finally gave up and did the portrait without her. I know that my friend had a difficult relationship with her stepdaughter growing up. I presented the painting to my friend at her birthday. She loved it so much that she cried. Later, her husband approached me. His daughter came down to visit, saw the portrait, and threw a fit. She screamed at her parents about how she obviously was not loved or wanted in the family. He wanted me to "fix" the portrait now to include this girl. I haven't brought this up with my friend, but frankly I am insulted, and I think a good slap across the face might work wonders for this brat rather than indulging in this emotional manipulation. She did not want to be in the painting; she has no grounds to be upset now. It would require me to start over from scratch. How do I respond properly here?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg encourages the letter writer to politely decline to redo the portrait. "I do think that choosing not to find a workaround (say, by asking one of the girl's siblings to supply you with a photo of her, or working off an image from social media) and instead presenting your friend with a picture of all her children except the one she's had the hardest time connecting with put her in a slightly tricky position," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Is My Coworker, Who Is Half My Age And Explicitly Told Me She's Not Interested In Me, Actually Secretly Interested In Me?
I have a desperate question for you. I've worked with a vivacious 30-year-old for five years. For three and a half years, she had a live-in boyfriend. She had a different boyfriend recently. I'm 58 years old and not good-looking. She is always sweet to me and always compliments me. She's said that I'm a genius and a gentleman, that I'm a hoot, and that I have a confident walk. I've also overheard her say that she likes older men. However, a few months ago, she walked up to me out of the blue and said that she just wants platonic relationships with coworkers. Then I overheard her say to another coworker: "I put out a sign, he will figure it out eventually." But which sign did she mean? The "platonic" thing or the constant kindness?
Dan Savage informs the letter writer that his coworker is definitely not interested in him. "While kindness can sometimes signal romantic interest, the full weight of the evidence here — including the fact that she didn't send an unambiguous signal when she was briefly single — indicates otherwise," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Is It Polite To Text 'Pass' In Response To Social Invitations?
I have a friend who gets irrationally mad when you respond to a text invite with "pass" — whether it's just the word "pass," or "I'll take a pass on that," or "No, I'll pass" or any variation of declining the invite that includes the word "pass."
Is this a proper (polite) phrase to use to decline based on the informal method of the invitation? It's also usually a group invitation, not a personal one-on-one invite.
[UExpress]
Miss Manners sides with the letter writer's friend. "'I'll pass' is a proper expression when you have a bad bridge hand, but insulting when you have received an invitation," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.