Should I Accept That My Partner Wants To Keep Me And Our Kids A Secret From His Other Kids, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Just Accept That My Partner Wants To Keep Me And Our Kids A Secret From His Other Kids Forever?
My partner and I have been together for almost three years. He has two adult children from his previous marriage, and one adolescent child from a previous relationship. When we met, I was getting divorced, and his other relationship was dissolving.
We now have a 2-year-old, and we're expecting our second child together soon.
He has never told his children about me or our child. He has a very strained relationship with the adult children, but a very good relationship with the adolescent. They talk every day and are together every other weekend.
The adolescent's mother doesn't want the child around me. My partner's reason for not telling his child is he's afraid the relationship will end and the child won't want to see him, be around him or may be angry with him.
This situation has caused a lot of arguments in our house. I desperately want his child to be a part of our lives, especially for our children. My partner keeps telling me that in time he'll talk to his child about it. But it has been a couple of years! …
Do I just have to accept the child may never be a part of our lives? It feels like our life is a secret and it shouldn't be.
Amy Dickinson strongly discourages the letter-writer from simply accepting the status quo. "Find a relationship counselor, make an appointment and state your very reasonable case that you will not stay in the closet," she advises. "Map out a plan for this disclosure." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Have Paid The Person Who Took Care Of My Dog For Two Weeks, Who's Also A Subordinate To Me At Work?
Last month I went on a two-week European vacation. I asked a co-worker to stay at my house and care for my small, very sweet dog. I don't know her well, but I had heard through the grapevine that she lives an hour-plus drive from work and stays nearby when she's working, so I figured this would benefit us both, since I'd get a dog sitter, and she would get a free place to stay. She agreed right away, and while I was gone sent daily reassurances and photos of her and the dog on walks around town. Here's the issue: I've since heard from a couple of co-workers that she's unhappy I did not pay her for dog sitting. We never discussed payment, and I thought it was a mutually beneficial agreement! Since I've been back, she has asked me to watch her cats over the holidays (I'm allergic, and she lives far away), and if she and her husband can stay at my house when they come into the city next month for a nighttime event. I feel like she thinks I owe her some debt, and it makes me uncomfortable. Even more awkward is that while I don't supervise her, I am above her in the workplace hierarchy, and she has been complaining about my not paying her to people we both work with. What do I owe this person?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg informs the letter-writer that they messed up. "'This benefits us both' might work as an approach when you're both broke college students trading parking spots, but it doesn't really apply when one of you is vacationing in Grenarnia and the other is pet-sitting round-the-clock for two weeks," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Blow The Whistle On The Exorbitant Salaries Of The Senior Management At My Nonprofit?
I work at a nonprofit that advocates for consumer rights and financial literacy, a mission I have been proud to serve.
We recently suffered a financial crisis of our own. Due to changing federal policies, among other factors, we lost a chunk of our annual budget. Management decided to cut about a quarter of the staff to protect our long-term future.
I was of course saddened by what happened, but I understood that there were no good options. Then a staff member who was laid off (and quickly found a new job) told me that senior managers' salaries made up nearly a quarter of the budget and that we were paying for a "company car" for our president. In addition, a former manager is paid an exorbitant hourly rate for consulting.
All of this hurt to hear. Our leaders sacrificed dozens of direct-service jobs that impact our clients' lives but seemingly not their own relatively large salaries and fringe benefits. I am considering quitting in protest. (I am sure that the board is aware of the pay structure, so I doubt they will be of help.) I have also considered informing the media, but I don't know what the ethical response is to what I see as an injustice to our fired colleagues and a violation of our mission.
Kwame Anthony Appiah observes that the letter-writer appears to be relying on hearsay regarding the senior managers' compensation packages. "You should feel free to talk to the media if you've determined that a nonprofit devoted to financial literacy has made bad financial decisions," he writes. "But to know that, you would have to be privy to the details. Are you?" Read the rest of his answer.
How Should I Deal With My Daughter-In-Law's Insistence That Our Holiday Meals Contain Only Organic Food?
I am in an OOD (Obsessive Organic Disagreement) with my daughter-in-law and her husband — my son. Three families are coming to my house for the holiday. The OOD couple decided not to join us if everyone didn't contribute dishes made from foods labeled "organic."
The OOD couple have three preschool children. They buy only organic foods and dine at cafes of all-organic grocery stores. Otherwise, they bring organic food and beverages for the children. Letting them bring their own organic-labeled foods for holidays hasn't worked well. My daughter-in-law brought so many vegetables for a cookout that she monopolized the entire grill cooking them. They proceeded to eat dinner as we had just gained access to the grill.
I was brought up that if someone invited you for dinner, you ate what you liked of what was served. You didn't order the hostess to prepare foods specific to your family nor did you bring your own dinner to the "dinner."
The US Food and Drug Administration and the US Department of Agriculture food safety hotlines say all food sold in grocery stores is safe to eat. Would it poison the OOD family to eat one holiday meal that was "regular" food?
Carolyn Hax agrees that the daughter-in-law is being unreasonable but points out that as a practical matter the letter-writer might have to kowtow to her demands in order to preserve familial harmony. "We can only choose from the options we're given," she writes. "In this case: Fight your daughter-in-law over food, or celebrate with your son and grandkids." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I, A Straight Man, Dare To Date During This Dangerous #MeToo Era?
I'm a 26-year-old man who's very nice, thoughtful and kind. I've dated only a few times, and I know I'm still young, but in the era of the #MeToo movement, it scares me to date someone, because things I say or do could be used against me. How do I feel comfortable in the dating world without having the fear that a woman will accuse me of doing something inappropriate to her?
[Creators]
Annie Lane is way nicer to this letter-writer than we would have been. "As long as you act with respect, you have nothing to fear," she writes. "Never pressure a woman to do anything (and don't let her pressure you, either, for that matter)." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Neighbors That My Husband Looks Through The Slats Of Their Blinds To See Them Naked?
Our new neighbors pull their blinds down at night, but the opening in the slats allows a clear view into their home. My husband goes to our porch to smoke, and has witnessed this couple completely naked. I think they would be horrified to know he has seen them naked, yet I feel they should be made aware of this, so they can properly close their blinds. How should I go about this? I don't want to embarrass them… I just want to be a good neighbor.
Robin Abrahams urges the letter-writer not to say anything. "As a general rule, adults understand how blinds work; either your neighbors aren't particularly modest, or you're faced with telling them that not only have you seen their private tattoos, you know they've been outwitted by window treatments," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
