Should I Have Let My Sister Sleep With Our Dog's Corpse In Her Bed, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Have Let My Sister Take Home Our Dog's Corpse And Sleep With It In Her Bed?
Recently, my family lost our beloved dog Pauliver. Paulie lived to the ripe old age of 12 and had to be put down due to a terminal illness. I loved Paulie and miss him dearly. I am glad I was able to be there for the last moments of his life. My sister was also there — but she wanted to take Paulie's body home and spend one last night with him! He used to sleep in bed with her and she wanted to say goodbye. The vet told us that the body could attract flies and "get messy" soon, and I suggested that we should take him home and bury him right away instead. My sister agreed. We said our goodbyes, buried him, each tossed a handful of dirt on his grave, and planted flowers.
Two days later I saw something she posted online that said she had dug up our dog, taken him to a crematorium, and had another funeral, all without telling me. She wrote at length about how we "did it all wrong." I feel like she blames me. I thought we were doing the right thing, but I'll admit I've never handled a dead body before. Whenever a loved one of mine passed we always let the funeral home take care of it. Was I wrong? Should I have let her take the body home? Am I a monster for not feeling connected to a loved one's body after they die?
[Slate]
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, reassures the letter writer that he or she did nothing wrong. "Lots of people feel very close to their pets, and it's always sad when an animal dies," she writes, "but your sister's response was bizarre, secretive, and totally out of proportion to your (very reasonable) burial plan." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Wear Mastectomy Prostheses To Appease My Sister-In-Law, Who Thinks It's Disrespectful Not To?
I'm a two-time, currently Stage IV breast cancer survivor. When I was told I needed a double mastectomy, I did the research and decided to "go flat"; I heard too many horror stories about implants and, on the basis of my own personal history, decided they weren't for me.
For dressy occasions, I wear prostheses, but they're not that comfortable. I'm a small, slender (these days: skinny) woman, and barely made it to an A cup even when I was pregnant. It's not that important to me. Most of the time, I don't bother with them.
At Thanksgiving, I worked hard (too hard) to prepare my house and dinner for family; I changed for dinner, but I was tired, and didn't bother putting on my prostheses. My sister-in-law — who vocally disapproved of my decision to go flat — told me, in front of the family, that I looked terrible and was "disrespecting" my company as a result. I thought I was respecting them by knocking myself out on their behalf.
I have to see her and the others again at future holidays. I'm trying to decide if I should make a point by skipping the prostheses, or if I should keep the peace and be uncomfortable.
How can I best handle this?
Carolyn Hax expresses horror at the sister-in-law's behavior and advises the letter writer to avoid her as much as possible from now on. "Should you feel any flickers of guilt, please douse them quickly by reminding yourself that you didn't fight for your survival just to listen to her abuse," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Why On Earth Did My Former Boss Anonymously Mail Me A Sex Toy And A Douche Kit?
Last week, I found out that my former supervisor from a job I left in August, an older man who I trusted and considered to be a mentor and friend, is behind a series of anonymous "prank" packages I've been receiving. The first, sent to my house on my birthday from a local post office, contained an adult toy and all the necessary accessories to use such an object. When I first received it, I figured it must be a prank from one of my close girlfriends and was a good sport about it… The second package was sent to my office before Christmas, nearly an hour away, from a US post office near my workplace, contained hygiene products (including a large bottle of Summers Eve feminine wash), and a note proclaiming that it was sent from my new coworkers as a Secret Santa gift. This crossed the line, I'm a professional and I take my new job very seriously. Obviously, I don't need to be receiving embarrassing anonymous packages to the office and now it was apparent that someone knew very well where I lived and worked and had traveled there to mail the packages priority overnight. I actually called this guy the night I received it to see if he knew of anyone at my former office that could be behind this, and he pretended not to know anything. Eventually he called me to confess in a fit of guilt, saying that it had been bothering him since I called and his wife finally got him to confess to sending me "practical joke packages" (for the record, I don't know if he told her what was in them), and she told him that he had to call me because I was probably freaking out, which I was.
My question is, what the hell do I do now? Obviously I have no desire to continue what I thought was a valuable mentorship with someone influential in my industry… Do I have any obligations as a feminist to take steps to prevent him from doing this to the next woman who reports to him? Can I afford to take him at his word that he meant it all to be a joke and had no idea I would take it this way and wouldn't do it again? What on earth is wrong with men like this?
[Jezebel]
"CALL THE POLICE!" Jane Marie advises. "This man is obsessed with you and he's a crazy person and before you go worrying about what he'll do to the next person, you need to protect yourself," she goes on to write. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Cast A Ballot On Behalf Of My Severely Disabled Son?
I have a 40-year-old son who is severely autistic; he has limited verbal ability and the mentality of a 4-year-old. He has never voted. But because so many of the issues contested in elections affect him, would it be ethical to request an absentee ballot and cast votes for those people and programs that most benefit him? My wife thinks it's a bad idea, but I believe it would give him a voice, however small, in his future.
The Ethicist, Kwame Anthony Appiah, nixes this idea. "What you're proposing isn't to give your son a voice; it's to give yourself two," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Why Won't My Kids' Spouses Call Me 'Mom'?
My children's spouses do not call my husband and me "Dad" and "Mom." They call us by our first names.
I have gone along with their preference. I've also noticed that my children do not call their spouses' parents "Mom" and "Dad," either.
When I was growing up in the '60s, my parents called each other's parents, "Ma" and "Pa" (Italian), and "Dad" (the non-Italian parent).
When I married, I immediately addressed my in-laws as "Mom" and "Dad." I felt that I was honoring them by addressing them in this way. I felt that I was giving them the honor that I gave my own parents. I also felt that it would be an honor for my husband to call my folks "Mom" and "Dad."
What is your opinion about this? Why do people no longer call their in-laws, "Mom" and "Dad"? What changed in society?
Amy Dickinson points out that lots of things have changed since the '60s and suggests that the letter writer ask for what she wants. "I hope you will bring up your preference to your in-laws: 'How would you feel about calling us "Mom" and "Dad"?' They might be happy to oblige," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Colleague To Quit Going Through My Trash Every Day?
The level of petty and micromanaging at my office is getting absurd, almost comical. After I leave for the day, someone has been going through my trash and taking out things they feel should be recycled and putting them in the recycling. I get it. Recycling is really important.But I'm talking SMALL things like used Post-Its, receipts, the paper that a roll of stamps comes on, etc. I know this sounds really insignificant, but on top of other micromanaging that goes on and generally feeling like I'm working a job that is far below my capabilities, it feels like whoever is doing this doesn't even feel that I'm throwing my trash away correctly. For reference, I come in and leave earlier than my colleagues and we don't have the luxury of cleaning staff, so I know it's a colleague who is doing this. (I'm 99% sure I know who, and the person I'm thinking of is senior to me.) Is this just someone's weird quirk that I need to let go of?
Alison Green puts in a plug for getting over it. "The bigger issue is that you feel like you're being micromanaged and working at a job below your capabilities, and this is rubbing salt in that wound," she observes. Read the rest of her answer.
