Should I Be Mad That A Catfish Tricked Me And A Stranger Into Hooking Up, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Be Angry That A Catfish On Grindr Tricked Me And Another Guy Into Hooking Up With Each Other?
I was chatting with a guy on Grindr and he was cute… We were going to do a walk-in scene, so he gives me his apartment number and has the door unlocked. I go in, and I fuck this guy. During, I noticed that he doesn't look quite like his pictures. But still cute! After we were done, he said I didn't look like the person he had talked to online either.
I told him he didn't look like who I had talked to, and eventually, we figured out that we had both talked to the same catfish online. This catfish acted as me and acted as him, and the two catfish victims (us) ended up fucking each other and not knowing until we were done! Overall, it was hot and fun… but I'm having mixed feelings about being duped. I reported the catfish but am still chatting with the guy I had sex with. Am I overreacting to this catfish's deed? Is he just a good hookup matchmaker, or did he seriously cross a line? Do you think the bottom conspired to make this happen?
[Them]
John Paul Brammer, who writes the ¡Hola Papi! column for Them, is alarmed by the letter writer's description of what went down. "You did the right thing by reporting the catfish's profile," he writes. "You're not overreacting. This person isn't a good matchmaker, they're a creep." Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Report A Friend Who Coerced Her Husband Into Getting A Vasectomy And Then Divorced Him?
Some time ago, a friend told me that she was planning to leave her husband but was waiting for him to get a vasectomy. She said she knew she'd have to hold his hand through it to make sure it happened. Once the procedure was done, she planned to break the news that she was going to end the marriage…
She later reported that when she told her husband of her decision to end the marriage for good, he told her that he was upset to learn this after having had the vasectomy and that he believed it would hurt his chances of finding a new partner. Her response was that she was pretty sure that women weren't going to be interested in having children with someone his age anyway (he's middle-aged).
This woman is employed by an organization dedicated to reproductive choice and plans to work as a counselor. I have been troubled about what she told me for months and have considered disclosing the information to the organization, but I'm unsure: Would I just be "tattling" on what I find to be reprehensible human behavior? Or would this be a reasonable act in response to the highly inappropriate behavior of someone working in the field of reproductive choice?
Kwame Anthony Appiah agrees that the friend's behavior was reprehensible but doesn't think it's necessarily relevant to her ability to do her job. "That someone has done something awful in the context of a difficult marriage, then, doesn't prove her to be an awful person in every other respect; and it certainly doesn't establish that she'd be unable to discharge her professional obligations," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Can You Get Fired For Complaining When Your Boss Prank Calls You Pretending To Be Child Protective Services?
I am writing this on behalf of a friend, who I'll call Wendy. Wendy works for a company that provides daycare, a perk for her. By all accounts, she seems to be a decent mom. One day at work, she received a call claiming to be from Child Protective Services accusing her of abuse and neglect. She was on the verge of a breakdown when the caller laughed and revealed herself to be her boss, Winnifred. Winnifred laughed over the "joke." Wendy was shaken and disturbed, and wound up mentioning it to another coworker. Winnifred later called Wendy to her office and wrote her up for gossiping and taking the incident so seriously. Wendy has been advised to go to HR, but fears to do so due to possible retaliation. Could Wendy be fired for escalating this?
"In theory, yes," replies Alison Green, who encourages Wendy to go to HR. "In practice, it's very unlikely, especially since HR is highly likely to intervene once they know the situation." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Make My Husband Stop Talking About His Prison Sentence In AA Meetings?
My husband and I are alcoholics in recovery with multiple years of sobriety. We are in our 60s. When my husband was 17, he committed an act of violence that resulted in imprisonment. This act was in retaliation to someone who snitched on him for drug dealing.
My husband regularly talks about this part of his life in AA meetings. I am very embarrassed by this. I've talked to him about how this makes me feel, but he says it's part of his story. I can understand that in some situations, his disclosure of his past would help people, such as men who are currently incarcerated. In conversations between the two of us, my husband will refer to his prison life with what seems like fond remembrance. This bothers me very much.
Am I being selfish and controlling in wanting him to stop talking about his prison life? I know that I cannot control him, but I wish he could just talk about his recovery. I'm thinking about going to different meetings so I won't have to listen to him. Is that the best thing to do?
[Creators]
Annie Lane endorses the letter writer's idea of going to different meetings from her husband. "It would allow each of you space to focus totally on your own recovery, without filtering it through the lens of your marriage," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Ask My Sister-In-Law To Stop Sending Notes To My Daughter At School Via Her Daughter?
Eight years ago, my boyfriend and I found ourselves unexpectedly pregnant; his sister also became pregnant due to in vitro fertilization after trying to conceive for many years. The girls were born two weeks apart and are very different. I had a roly-poly baby who smiled and slept beautifully. My niece has always been underweight and shy, with a not-so-happy disposition. My sister-in-law has always been very loving — and even possessive — with my child. She makes comments like "She's the baby I should have had," "She's the twin that I lost" (one of the implanted embryos didn't make it), "A child after my own heart," etc. It made me uncomfortable, but I let it slide for the sake of peace. Now the girls are in third grade and are in the same classroom. I pack my daughter's lunch and sometimes leave notes or drawings for her in her lunch box. Lately she has been coming home with notes from her aunt in her bag. She keeps trying to use a nickname for my child that we don't use and professes how much she loves her. I know it seems harmless, but it really bothers me to see this. My sister-in-law has three children of her own and is taking care of an additional two from her live-in boyfriend. It's like she wants to parent my child, who has two very competent parents already. I need some perspective here. Am I crazy for letting this bother me? Can I tell her to not send notes?
[Slate]
Daniel Mallory Ortberg opines that the notes aren't as concerning as the sister-in-law's history of calling the letter writer's daughter "the baby I should have had." "The notes may be part of the conversation when you address this with her, but I think the focus should be on — lovingly, kindly — pointing out that she has a history of comparing the two girls in a way that makes it very clear that she thinks yours is better," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
Do I Have To Text Politely With The Ex-Boyfriend Who Ghosted Me After A Serious Car Accident?
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me four years ago. It was very tough on me. I had just been hit by a car, which resulted in serious physical and emotional injuries. He cut off all contact with me, cold turkey, and wouldn't discuss our relationship at all. Now, he's begun sending nonchalant messages again. I'm not interested in responding, and frankly, it's painful to do so. But I don't want to treat him the way he treated me, so I respond politely.
Philip Galanes tells the letter writer to tell her ex, clearly and directly, to stop contacting her. "If he writes again (other than to apologize, to which you need not respond), block his number," he adds. Read the rest of his answer.
