How Can I Stop Having Sex With My Future Stepdaughter, And Other Advice Column Questions About Bad Dads
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. This week, to help you shake off the sentimentality of Father's Day, we're doing something a little different: Rounding up letters by and about the worst dads we read about in the past year. (Some of these letters are by and about bad stepdads, almost-stepdads, uncles, grandfathers and other father figures, too.) If you are a dad or planning on becoming a dad, our best advice is to do the opposite of what these dads do.
How Can I Stop Having Sex With My Future Stepdaughter?
My significant other and I rarely have sex. A while ago, I had a sexual encounter with her daughter. We continued to have sexual encounters for some time. Now my significant other and I may be getting married. Her daughter and I broke it off, but it started up again after a week. I am attempting to break things off with my significant other's daughter again, but I'm having a hard time. Please advise.
Dan Savage tells the letter to break up with both the mom and the daughter. "While you may get out from this relationship with some light scarring, your ex and her daughter will be left with open, gaping wounds for the rest of their lives," he points out. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Find Out If My Daughter's Best Friend Is Interested In Dating Me?
My daughter, who is 26, brought her best friend home for a visit last weekend. Unless I am mistaken, there were some sparks between the friend and me. What is the protocol for checking her interest? I don't want to ask my daughter for permission until I know the friend is interested. May I contact her directly? (My wife and I are divorced.)
Thankfully, Philip Galanes points out that this is a terrible idea. "You are just going to make things weird," he predicts. "And in no event may you contact the friend before securing your daughter's permission." Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Stop Cuddling With My Hot 16-Year-Old Stepdaughter?
I'm a straight guy married to a wonderful woman. She has a daughter. This girl's bio dad is a checked-out deadbeat, so I have played "dad" since I met her mom five years ago. The girl who used to be a gangly, awkward 11-year-old is now 16, and there's no other way to put this: She is hot. I'm not supposed to notice, I know, and I have ZERO interest in being creepy with her, and she has ZERO interest in me. But she has always liked to cuddle with me and still does. I believe safe closeness from a dad figure helps girls make good choices when it comes to boys. (If not for me, she might seek attention from douchebag teenage boys trying to take advantage.) I want to continue to play this role for her. But when she comes in wearing tiny shorts and puts her legs over my lap, I get rock hard. I'm not trying to be creepy, but I'm a guy and she's a perfect female specimen. I can't say, "We can't be as physically close as we used to be," because that itself would be creepy and it would make her sad.
Dan Savage — who really gets a higher-than-average percentage of letters from horny stepdads — tells the letter writer to "put an end to the cuddling" before the stepdaughter notices his erections. He also advises, "[D]on't describe your stepdaughter — or any other woman — as a "perfect female specimen." (Good advice!) Read the rest of his answer.
Is My Stepfather Grooming My 4-Year-Old The Way My Dad Groomed Me And My Sister?
A few months ago, a mysterious package arrived in the mail addressed to my daughter, who had just turned 4. Inside was a roll of nickels and a note calling her by a special name she made up for herself that I'd only repeated to a few people. It was signed from "a secret friend." I didn't recognize the handwriting, but after some detective work I tracked it to my mother's husband of a few years, a man I always found slightly creepy but ultimately harmless. My two sons had birthdays in the months before their sister and neither received anything from this man.
When I told my mom I found this strange and was uncomfortable with it, she became defensive and treated me as though I was making a big deal out of nothing. My father sexually harassed me my whole life right in front of her (forced massages and touching, "accidentally" walking in on me changing) and she treated me the same way then, like I was being ridiculous. I left home as soon as I could but always worried for the safety of my youngest sister, whom he ended up molesting. Our mom has never taken any responsibility for what happened.
My mom and I had been slowly trying to build a relationship even though we live across the country, with weekly calls and frequent texts and pictures of the kids. But now I've nearly completely cut off contact… This man is not my father and is not responsible for his behavior. I am more bothered by her lack of concern with what seems like textbook grooming behavior than I am with the gift itself. So my question is: Am I being unreasonable?
[Slate]
Carvell Wallace calls out the mom for being almost as bad as the dad (and possibly stepdad) in this case. "It is our parental responsibility to protect our children from harm, and there is nothing more primary than that," he writes. "If a child feels unsafe in her own home, then harm is being committed, because that feeling of menace is in and of itself harm." Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Spending Every Day With His Long-Lost 17-Year-Old Niece?
My husband recently started spending a lot of time with his 17-year-old niece, and it's starting to bother me. He just met her for the first time nine months ago. Her parents — my husband's sister and her husband — don't have much to do with her. They have both been in trouble with the law and aren't in the picture at all, really.
My husband says that she needs to feel that someone cares for her. And I totally agree with that. But it's to the point that it's interfering with our marriage, and he doesn't care.
They do something together every single day. They go to the movies, go shopping, go to the park, cook supper for each other. I don't think it's normal for them to be spending so much time together. It's almost as if they are dating. I'm at my wits' end!
[Creators]
Whether or not this situation is as creepy as it sounds, Annie Lane says it's time for a big-picture conversation between the letter-writer and her husband. "If your husband wanted to become de facto guardian of his niece, he should have discussed that with you beforehand," she opines. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Go To My Daughter's Graduation After Giving Her The Silent Treatment For Two Years?
I raised my daughter as a single father. She's graduating soon with a master's degree. Even though I'm very proud of her academic success, I'm very disappointed in her other life choices, such as who she lives with, as well as her bad financial decisions.
Two years ago, she got upset because I expressed my disappointment in her bad life choices — mainly the financial ones. I didn't teach her about finances growing up, but recently learned a lot about how to handle money. As I tried to tell her what to do, she got loud and cursed at me. We both said a few choice words. I hung up, and we haven't spoken since.
I got an invitation to her graduation. My mother and other family members want me to go, but I'm unsure. As a father I feel like I should honor her achievement, but I don't feel she appreciates what I went through to get full custody and to raise her by myself. I don't want to reward her disrespect, but I don't want to send her on a guilt trip either. What do you think?
Amy Dickinson goes pretty easy on this guy, if you ask us. "Parents occasionally have to suck it up and love their children through their immature and disrespectful displays," she writes, before urging him to attend the graduation. Read the rest of her answer.
