Was It Really So Bad To Let My Daughter-In-Law's Abusive Father Watch Her Kids, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Why Won't My Daughter-In-Law Forgive Me For Secretly Letting Her Kids See Their Abusive Grandfather?
My son married a lovely young lady, "Sandra," about 10 years ago. They have two elementary-aged children whom I adore. Sandra has always been insistent that her children never be around her father, "Bernie," alone. Bernie was a dear and charming man, and I had no idea why she would be so cruel. Sandra's explanation was that her father had a terrible temper, which did not seem like a good reason to deny him a relationship with his grandchildren. I watched the children after school, and I began inviting Bernie over to spend time with them. A few weeks ago, I had to run to the grocery store. I left the children alone with Bernie for a few minutes. When I came back, both children were sobbing, my cabinet door was smashed (it's too high for children to break it), and Bernie had forced the older child into a corner and was yanking on his arms and screaming curses so loudly my neighbors could hear him. I immediately asked him to leave, of course, and tried to comfort the children, who were shaken. Sandra found out and is now intensely angry at me. She refuses to speak to me at all and has put the kids in day care. We usually do Christmas together, but Sandra has rescinded my invitation. Prudie, I am heartbroken. I feel so guilty for what happened, but can't Sandra see that I had truly no idea, and I am a victim, too? How can I convince her to let me back in the children's lives?
[Slate]
Normally I don't include letters behind paywalls, but this letter from the Slate Plus edition of Dear Prudence is so jaw-dropping I couldn't leave it out. "You're not a victim," replies Daniel Mallory Ortberg. "You're an adult who made a terrible decision that endangered small children who were in your care, and your daughter-in-law is right to keep those children away from you." Read the rest of his answer if you're a Slate Plus member (or you can sign up for a two-week free trial if you're not).
How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Stop Complaining About Not Being Able To Eat The Food I'm Allergic To?
I have a food allergy. It sucks! I used to love the food that I am now allergic to.
I've been in a relationship for three years, and my guy is mostly good about my allergy.
I also have a few foods I just plain don't like.
My partner will sometimes put all of these foods — the one I'm allergic to, and the ones I don't like — in the same category. He complains that he can't eat my allergen, but also these other foods as well. I end up feeling like it is both my fault for my allergy and the other few foods that repulse me.
I try to make sure we eat delicious meals from all over the world. I just get so upset when he starts talking to me about food in this way. He also gets upset.
I don't care at all if he eats these things without me, but he acts like he can't and that I am to blame. How do I talk about this constructively with him?
Amy Dickinson encourages a straightforward approach. "You should say to him, 'Honey, aside from my one allergy, no one is stopping you from eating anything. Go to the store, get some recipes, and go crazy. You have my blessing!'" Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Husband And I Team Up With Our Son-In-Law's Parents To 'Mediate' In Our Daughter's Divorce?
My daughter, "Belle," and her husband, "Ben," are getting divorced. Ben's parents have always said they love Belle, and that if Belle and Ben ever split, they'd keep Belle.
Now that B and B are divorcing, his parents have called and left messages — they want to talk. They specifically want us parents to "mediate" and help "the kids" reconcile. The kids are in their late 30s!
I do not want to talk to them and think the idea of us parents mediating is ridiculous. My husband isn't sure.
What do you think? I'm pretty sure Ben hasn't been honest with his parents about why they are divorcing, and I think it is a terrible idea for us to get involved.
Carolyn Hax says that the letter-writer can talk to the son-in-law's parents without getting enlisted in their plan. "If you don't want to talk to them, then, fine, but it might be useful to Belle and Ben for you to express to these parents clearly that you do not think it's your place to 'mediate' or anything else," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Am I Right To Be Bothered By The Private Facebook Group My Boss And Coworkers Use To Chat About Work Stuff?
I started on a new team a few months ago. I've had some trouble fitting in with the new group, with a certain subset being especially close. My manager is one of this group. I understand that managers get to have friends, but I also recently learned that this group has a private Facebook message group. One of the members told me about it, and I have seen the members use it during meetings and group interviews.
I've never actually read the messages, but I suspect it isn't merely social. I know they recently messaged each other about an internal-only job posting. The job, which I also applied to, went to the member of the group messaging chat. The manager who is also in the chat was on the hiring committee. We don't have hugely different qualifications, so I can't help but wonder to what degree their personal relationship played into the decision.
It makes me uncomfortable that my manager has such close friendships with half his direct reports since he is responsible for doling out responsibilities. How do I know his personal relationships aren't impacting his decisions and that I'm not suffering because I'm not part of the in-group? Is this something I need to get over, or am I justifiably uneasy? I know I'm being a little paranoid, but it's driving a little nuts to see them messaging during meetings and work functions and then walking out the door together for lunches and happy hours. Do I invite myself to their social events, or just let this go?
Alison Green empathizes with the letter writer and says the manager is being unprofessional. "It's very, very difficult to manage people impartially when you have social relationships with some of them, and it's even harder to have people believe you're impartial, regardless of whether you really are," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Stop My 4-Year-Old Daughter From Taking Pictures Of Her Genitals Without Giving Her A Complex?
I have a 4-year-old daughter who is very precocious and very interested in the biology of the body… I'm trying to raise her with body positivity, accurate knowledge, and no shame related to any part of her body. We discuss the fact that some parts of her body are "private," and she seems to understand this with regard to behavior around other people.
But recently — after a minor scratch in that area that easily healed — she's been insistently asking me to take photos of her vagina with my phone so she can see them. The first time, I declined and said she could look in a mirror if she really wanted. But then she complained that she couldn't see it clearly. So she's asked for "close-up" pictures again. And again. And I'm unsure how to tell her no. It's not something I'm comfortable with having on my phone, ever, for legal reasons and propriety. I've explained that it's something adults "don't do," but she keeps asking me why.
Recently I found her with my phone, trying to take the picture herself. Fortunately it came out a blurry mess. But I was alarmed, especially given how easily photos can accidentally be uploaded to cloud storage, texted, etc. How can I explain to her why I cannot and she shouldn't do this, without causing her shame, but also without having to go into dark territory about child pornography that I'm definitely not ready to explain?
[Slate]
Nicole Cliffe agrees with the letter-writer that it's worth holding the line on this issue. "Next time she asks you to take pictures, you can stay super calm and relaxed (fake it!) and tell her that those areas of our body are private, and photos are not private, because other people can see them," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Shell Out $50,000 For My Daughter's Wedding Because My Ex-Husband Promised Her I Would?
I recently received an email from my ex-husband, who lives in the same state as my daughter. (I am remarried.) In it he asked me to agree to a budget he has given my daughter for her upcoming wedding. There was no discussion with me regarding the amount.
Abby, he gave her a budget of $100,000 and expects me to pay half! When I emailed him back and asked how he arrived at such a crazy number, he responded that his brother had spent that amount on his two daughters. Wow!!!
I said absolutely not, the number was flat-out ridiculous, and he should never have promised that figure to begin with, let alone without consulting me. Your thoughts?
[UExpress]
Abigail Van Buren agrees that the ex-husband shouldn't have promised the daughter money without discussing it with the letter-writer first. "I also think it is time to bring your daughter and her fiance into the conversation," she adds. "Many modern couples split the cost of their wedding between themselves, so don't feel defensive when you do it." Read the rest of her answer.
