Is It Okay To Take Multiple Showers A Day When You're A Houseguest, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Can I Take Two Showers Daily, Totaling 45 Minutes, When I'm Visiting People Who Live In A Drought Area?
Is it rude to limit guests' shower time? I have a disorder that causes excessive sweating and need to take multiple showers per day. I live in a city with a wet, cool climate, and when I travel frequent showers become even more important. My son, Dick, and his wife, Jane, live in a desert area. On my last visit they mentioned drought-related water restrictions and asked me to limit my water use. I offered to just take a quick, 15-minute rinse in the mornings and a full shower (about 30 minutes) in the evenings, but Jane said this was still too much. She claimed she understood about the two showers but asked me to keep them each under 7 minutes. This was impossible, especially due to their weird, low-water pressure. I was miserable the entire time. Can you help me explain my predicament to them?
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Daniel Mallory Ortberg more or less sides with Dick and Jane. "Since they're able to concede the two showers a day, I think you've already reached a fairly effective compromise," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Boss To Stop Texting My Wife To Apologize For Calling Her So Much?
A couple months ago, I saw a missed call from my boss while the wife and I were out. My phone was about to die, so I borrowed hers to call him back. After that, he started calling her whenever he couldn't get in touch with me. He'd usually wait about half an hour, but a few times he called her within 15 minutes of trying my number…
My wife's a very nice person, but she is no shrinking violet. She finally had enough about two weeks ago when he woke her up again. She cursed him out and told him to never call her again unless I'd died at the office.
That seemed to get through. He apologized to me profusely, and asked me to pass it along to my wife. But then he texted her an apology. And when she didn't respond, he texted her another apology a few days later. Then he asked me if he could take us out to dinner. I said that really wasn't necessary and also he didn't need to send my wife any more apologies. Then he texted HER to ask if he could take us out to dinner…
How should I approach this? Keep trying to placate my wife and hope it blows over? Go straight to HR? Give my boss an ultimatum that if he texts my wife again, I WILL go to HR?Arrange a cage match between him and my wife in the parking lot after hours?
As she so often does, Alison Green urges the letter writer to be extremely direct in telling his boss to knock it off. "Softer, more diplomatic language often does get through to people so it can be worth a try as a first attempt, but in a case like this where someone is missing an obvious message, you've got to get really, really clear," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell My Stepson I'm Still Mad I Wasn't In The Receiving Line At His Wedding 25 Years Ago?
When my stepson married 25 years ago, I was excluded from the receiving line at the reception. This was a stunning slight given our good relations. I don't know why it happened or why my husband didn't object. Still, I remain sensitive about it. Should I make my stepson aware of this or let it go?
Philip Galanes notes that it's unlikely the letter writer will be able to let this go, since she hasn't let it already, so he urges her to speak up. "In the future, share disappointments closer to the event," he adds. "You'll spend less time stewing, and apologies (if warranted) will mean more." Read the rest of his answer.
Should I Promote My Friend To Maid Of Honor After Accidentally Sending Her A 'Maid Of Honor' Card?
When choosing my bridesmaids, I knew I never wanted to have to choose a maid of honor… I couldn't choose just one, so I chose two. Admittedly the two of my friends who are closest to me are not the most organized or responsible…
I have a third closest friend who I will call Kelly, and she is the total opposite when it comes to organizing and taking care of business. This friend has stepped up in a big way since day one. When I first got engaged, she sent me a gift box of planning tools, she has suggested and gone with me to bridal shows, she has constantly been on the hunt for wedding stuff, and she is always my first go-to for style and etiquette advice. After awhile I started to realize that she should have been the one with the MOH title all along, while the other two expressed outwardly their doubts about being able to live up to the task.
Last week Kelly called me up and confronted me about the biggest mistake I have made in this process. When asking my girlfriends to be in my wedding party, I sent out cards: one said "maid of honor" and the rest said "bridesmaid." I had asked my maids of honor in person, so I discarded the maid of honor card… or so I thought. It turns out I had sent the "maid of honor" card to Kelly, and this whole time she has been acting under the guise of her being the third maid of honor…
Before this happened I would text her frequently asking her opinions and thoughts on different wedding related things and now I am afraid to proceed like normal without feeling like I am being burdensome or just downright annoying to her. I also don't know whether I should just give her the title and have three MOHs or give her the intended title of bridesmaid, and therefore relieve her of any further planning responsibilities.
Liz Moorhead thinks this is an easy call: The letter writer should just make Kelly the third maid of honor. "She thought she was given a really special place of honor," Moorhead point out. "And oof, finding out she was mistaken can't be anything but really hurtful and embarrassing for her." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Send Flowers To A Sex Worker Who Ghosted Me Suddenly After 2 Years?
I saw a professional for 2+ years on almost a monthly basis. I saw her at her home and she was comfortable enough with me that I had even met her sisters. The last time I saw her we parted ways well as always. Then nothing. I attempted to contact her and her phone didn't work. The last time I saw her, her phone was on the fritz. I am hoping, probably naively, that her phone died and she couldn't recover my info to contact me. Is it wrong to send flowers to try to contact her? If we didn't part ways well that last time or she told me she didn't want to see me anymore, I'd understand and wouldn't bother her again. Just the fact there was no indication that there was a problem is the bothersome part. I understand she may have changed her life, or just didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Just not knowing is the worst.
Rather than answering this question himself, Dan Savage asked a bunch of sex workers to weigh in on Twitter. "If she has an email or some other form of contact info, trying to send a feeler email out that way would be ok," writes one of them. "But she has every right to end the business relationship without explanation." Read the rest of their answers.
Is It Okay To Deprive Retired Workers Of Bonuses To Get Around A Performance Rating Quota System?
At the end of every year, my company conducts management reviews, assigning a rating of 1 (unacceptable) to 5 (outstanding) to everyone who was an employee during the year, whether or not they're still at the company. The performance rating system requires a fixed distribution of workers — a certain percentage at each level every year. While finding workers deserving a "1" rating was relatively easy at first, over time it became a problem to assign "unacceptable" to workers who are perfectly acceptable.
To meet the fixed distribution goal, management's solution has been to assign "1" to workers who retired during the year, regardless of their performance. The retirees won't see the "1" rating, but they also won't receive the prorated annual bonus they would otherwise receive for the time they worked in their last year. This seems unethical. What do you think?
Although this might seem like a good workaround to protect current employees, Karla L. Miller warns that it might be legally dicey. "[I]f only older workers are being denied bonuses they're entitled to, it could be argued that this results in a 'disparate impact' in violation of the Age Discrimination in Employment Act," she points out. Read the rest of her answer.
