What Would Happen If You Just Stopped Wiping Your Butt?
SWIPE RIGHT AND WRONG
·Updated:
·

This is What Would Happen If, a close examination of mundane hypothetical situations. Each week, we look at something that you could do but probably never would, and take it to its logical endpoint. This week: What would happen if just didn't wipe your butt?


It's not a comforting feeling, but we've all been there, staring down some threatening 1-ply or a half-naked toilet paper roll with no replacement in sight. What if, just this once, we didn't wipe? Depending on your fiber intake or the current state of your gut, the prospect has varying levels of consequence.

But what if you neglected wiping altogether? What might start to happen down there? To answer this supremely unappealing question, we consulted Dr. Austin Chiang, a clinical and research fellow at the gastroenterology division of Boston's Brigham and Women's Hospital.

As you might expect, Chiang says that not wiping will result in an accumulation of feces around the anus. Things will undoubtedly get smelly and underwear will be soiled. But these are the least of your problems.

"I think that the major concern is irritation at the site," says Chiang. "If you can imagine your butt is caked in doodoo, that's going to cause irritation over time if it's not dealt with."

The thing is, as far as places on your body, your anus might be in the worst spot. Feces, as you know, is loaded with bacteria and moisture — which if left to hang out in the recesses of your butt will wage a full-out assault on your skin, which could lead to irritation.

We say "could" because it really depends on your level of overall hygiene. We may think of the various ways we clean ourselves as these sorts of isolated rituals — washing our hands, taking a shower, washing our clothes, brushing our teeth — but they all influence each other. According to Chiang, even if you stopped wiping altogether, if you're still taking showers that might be enough to keep your underside from turning against you. "But If you don't completely clear it you may run the risk of irritation," says Chiang.

And if you're as bad at showering as you are about wiping — well that's really not good. Irritation will lead to itchiness, which might lead you do scratching your itchy, poopy behind. This is a very bad idea. "If there's a lot of itching, and there's a lot of scratching and there are breaks in the skin you could definitely be introducing bacteria in there," says Chiang. "It could develop into something more serious like an abscess." So now your butt is smelly, itchy, irritated and there are pus-laded sores hiding underneath. "Depending on how hairy someone is or what their weight is, the probability of harboring an infection may increase," he says.

Naturally, if you're a woman, letting yourself go this way is even more dangerous, as the proximity of fecal matter to the vagina and urethra could lead to a urinary tract infection or bacterial vaginosis.

If you've read thus far, you probably have the urge to go and wipe twice as good next time. According to Chiang, this is just as bad as not wiping enough. "Wiping too much can cause an equal amount of irritation and trauma," he says. "If you're wiping it to the extent that you're wiping it raw and creating breaks in your skin, you could similarly become infected in that area."

Like most things in life, wiping is best done in moderation. Or just buy a bidet and never worry about it again.1

Further Reading

Men's Health's Guide To Cleaning Your Butt

The Wirecutter's Guide To The Best Bidet

WebMD's Primer On The Bristol Stool Scale

Next Week

What would happen if you microwaved a non-microwave safe dish?

Got a burning (hopefully not in an infected way) hypothetical question? Submit it to [email protected]. And for more, check out our What Would Happen If archive.

1

Although, Chiang cites a study that claims an especially powerful bidet resulted in anal fissures in one patient. It seems when it comes to cleaning your butt, it's generally a shitty situation.

<p>Steve Rousseau is the Features Editor at Digg.&nbsp;</p>

Want more stories like this?

Every day we send an email with the top stories from Digg.

Subscribe