Can I Pay My Friends To Help Me Find A Job, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
What Should I Do When A Friend Says I Ruined Her Wedding By Wearing A Blue Dress?
I recently attended a wedding of one of my husband's college friends. He's not someone that we see often, but we encounter him and his bride two or three times a year at parties, are friends on Facebook, etc. Anyways, I wore a blue dress to the ceremony, and it turns out that the bride's wedding colors were royal blue. Her bridesmaids wore the color, the close family wore the color. I had no idea. Other than a wedding invitation, we never had any contact with them prior to the event since a summer BBQ where dress codes were not discussed. It seems that she casually told some of her friends not to wear blue, and I didn't get the message. She was apparently horrified that I had worn "her color." Another woman also wore blue and got the same treatment.
At the start of the reception, she stomped over and said very loudly that she couldn't believe I had worn her color. It was really embarrassing, but it was her wedding day so I apologized, said that I had no idea and that the whole day was beautiful. She stomped off in a huff, and eventually her husband came over and said that she was really upset and that seeing my dress was detracting from her having fun. He wanted to know whether I could change. A friend loaned me a long black sweater and I put it on over the dress. Later, the bride pointed me out (while using a microphone) and said "she's not invited." Later in the night, she came up to me AGAIN to tell me how this had shattered her day…
"Do not apologize again, and do not entertain their future complaints," writes Mallory Ortberg of Dear Prudence. Read the rest of her answer (but first read the rest of the letter, which just keeps going.)
[Slate]
Is It OK For Me To Offer Money To Friends And Acquaintances Who Help Me Get A Job?
I've found my best jobs through offering "finder's fees" of $1,000-$2,000 to acquaintances who put my resume in the hands of a hiring manager and get me a job. It has also made the job search process very quick!
However, are these inducements ethically dubious, and does one risk looking desperate or, well, sleazy, by offering them?
Alison Green of Ask A Manager deems this unusual practice icky and desperate. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Reach Out To The Siblings Of The Child I Accidentally Killed 30 Years Ago?
Thirty years ago, I was in a car-and-moped accident. I was driving the car. The police determined that the moped driver, a preteen with no driving experience, was at fault. A passenger on the moped, also a preteen, died the next day from her injuries. At the funeral, the parents made clear that they would not accept my apology and condolences, and that they never wanted to hear from me again.
Over the years, I've thought about the accident and have wondered how the parents are doing. A few years ago, I found the child's obituary in a newspaper archive and discovered the parents' names. I thought about reaching out to them; I don't want them to think I've forgotten or that I don't care. But the memory of their shoving me away at the funeral has held me back. Also, I care about their feelings and don't want to reopen old wounds.
More recently I discovered the names of the child's siblings. I imagine that hearing from me might not be as difficult for the siblings as for the parents. Should I contact them, or should I respect the parents' refusal from decades ago?
Kwame Anthony Appiah — aka The Ethicist — urges this letter writer to forgive him- or herself instead of reaching out to the late child's family. Read the rest of his answer.
How Do I Forgive My Husband For Telling Our Friends I'm Pregnant?
I am six weeks pregnant; we confirmed it last week. My husband then told two of our closest friends without my knowledge. He told me he wanted to get me a gift and was at a loss at where to start, so reached out to them for advice.
His heart was in the right place, and he's already apologized for not thinking it through (my sense is these friends gently reminded him that it was weird mom-to-be was not there). But I still feel cheated — of the chance to decide when we'd tell people and who we'd tell first, of the chance to be part of that first telling and to see the first reaction.
I'm having a hard time letting go, but I don't want to rake him over the coals for an honest mistake he's sincerely apologized for. Advice on coming to terms with this?
Carolyn Hax says it's impossible to fully control over any aspect of pregnancy and childrearing. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Girlfriend To Accept That We're Broken Up And Move Out?
I'm a 37-year-old man, who has been in a monogamous relationship with the same woman for six years. Shortly after moving in with me in the house I own, she quit her job. She's been unemployed for five years now. We've had sex once in the last three years. Even though I care about her and want her to be okay, I'm ready to DTMFA. In fact, I already have. Four times in the last three weeks. I can't seem to get it to stick with her. I don't want to just throw her out. She'll be homeless. I've offered to help her out with some money, but she refuses. Eventually, she either asks me to give us more time or simply pretends like we haven't broken up, forcing me to restate our breakup and breaking her heart again. It's wearing me down. What can I do to help her get out on her own without being a monster?
Dan Savage advises this poor soul to look into landlord-tenant laws in his area. Read the rest of his answer.
Previously on Good Question
My Husband Doesn't Know Who His Long-Lost Daughter's Mother Is, And Other Questions
