How Can I Keep Disabled People Out Of My Daughter's Wedding, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Convince My Daughter Not To Have Her Disabled Friend As Her Maid Of Honor?
My 27-year-old daughter and her best friend, Katie, have been best friends since they were 4. Katie practically grew up in our house and is like a daughter to me. My daughter recently got engaged to her fiancé and announced that Katie would be the maid of honor (Katie's boyfriend is also a good friend of my future son-in-law). The problem is that Katie walks with a pretty severe limp due to a birth defect (not an underlying medical issue). She has no problem wearing high heels and has already been fitted for the dress, but I still think it will look unsightly if she's in the wedding procession limping ahead of my daughter. I mentioned this to my daughter and suggested that maybe Katie could take video or hand out programs (while sitting) so she doesn't ruin the aesthetic aspect of the wedding. My daughter is no longer speaking to me (we were never that close), but this is her big wedding and I want it to be perfect. All of the other bridesmaids will look gorgeous walking down the aisle with my daughter. Is it wrong to have her friend sit out?
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, tells the letter writer to "ask yourself that time-honored question, 'Do I sound like a villain in a Reese Witherspoon movie?'" Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
If My Cousin And I Want To Have A Threesome With Someone, Do We Have To Tell That Person We're Cousins?
If my cousin and I want to pick someone up in a bar and have a threesome (during which there would be cousin-on-cousin action), are we obligated to tell our third we're cousins? In case they think that's gross? If we don't tell them, are we then obligated to NOT tell them afterwards? Like, what if they want to be friends, and notice we have the same last name?
Obviously, I don't think it's gross, so it's hard for me to judge how big a deal this might be.
Dan Savage, the solver of all of America's sex-related quandaries, can see the case for both disclosing and not disclosing, but he comes down on the side of not disclosing. "It's not like any physical harm will come to your participating third," he points out. Read the rest of his answer.
Is My Younger Girlfriend, Who Won't Let Me Come To Her House, Using Me For Money?
I've been in a relationship for over a year. I'm a 35-year-old man, she's a 24-year-old woman. I am completely in love with her. It is because I love that I overlook what some might say is suspicious behavior. She forbade me from posting any photos of us together on social media, she lives with her father and I am not allowed to visit their home (I own my own home so we're okay there), I support her in many ways financially (I pay for her car insurance and miscellaneous bills), I am absent-minded and at times have difficulty hearing (I suffer from anxiety, it could be the cause) and she has a very short temper with me. I love her with all my heart but I feel like I have a pet tiger (if I'm not careful I'm going to be torn apart). Am I being used? Am I too old and this is how young people act? My mind is telling me these things but my heart just doesn't care. What should I do?
Jane Marie, Jezebel's advice columnist, responds, "Yes, you are definitely getting used. But so is she, right?" Read the rest of her answer.
[Jezebel]
Should A Woman Who Has Sex With A Brain-Damaged Man Be Charged With A Crime?
There is a man in our congregation who suffered a head injury in an accident. He is now permanently cognitively damaged. He lives in his own home with helpers. He has difficulty speaking and says that he has greater difficulty understanding what is said to him. When I write "says," it sounds as though he speaks normally and conveys his meaning in normal sentences. He doesn't.
My understanding is that he lives comfortably because there was a financial settlement due to the accident, but I don't know any of the details. A woman in our church became pregnant by this man. They don't live together, and I don't believe they have an ongoing "relationship." The baby is, naturally, in her custody. The father is heartbroken about how little time he gets with the child. It is a very sad situation. If the situation were reversed — if a cognitively damaged woman who could not live on her own became pregnant by a cognitively normal man — assault charges would most likely have been brought. Why has this not happened? This man speaks of how helpless he feels. And yet, people accept this situation that seems to me like a case of abuse. I don't understand this at all.
Kwame Anthony Appiah, the current Ethicist, rules that "sex involving the cognitively disabled isn't, ipso facto, assault" and suggests that the letter writer discuss his or her concerns with the church's pastor. Read the rest of his answer.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Willfully Doing Things That Exacerbate My Allergies?
My husband seems to lack basic empathy for me. I don't think he's being malicious, but any time I have a need that encroaches on his comfort, he gets visibly upset and refuses to deal with the issue. For example, I have some allergies. When we got a dog, he swore the one he wanted was hypoallergenic and that with daily, over-the-counter medications I would be fine. That turned out not to be the case. And despite my seasonal allergies, he leaves all the windows open, meaning I end up getting more severe sinus infections. I tried to get him to keep the windows in the house and the car closed during the spring, but he says he enjoys the nice breeze and shouldn't have to stop…
Carolyn, I'm worried about how long this is sustainable and I don't know what to do. I don't think he thinks he's doing anything wrong, and when I try to talk to him, he says he can't talk to me when I'm upset. I knew when we got married he had quirks, but they've gotten so much worse since we said "I do." How do I even begin to tackle this attitude?
Carolyn Hax writes, "I urge you to get into therapy solo with a really good marriage and family therapist" — or to leave the marriage. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Adult Relative To Stop Giving Me Coloring Book Pages As Gifts?
We have an adult relative who seems to feel it is appropriate to color a picture out of a coloring book in lieu of a gift or money for graduations, weddings, etc. She also seeks approval from everyone at these events to comment on how beautiful it is, to praise her for her coloring ability and how much time it took. We are tired of getting coloring book pictures as gifts. How can we get her to stop?
Dear Abby, aka Abigail Van Buren, basically tells the letter writer that he or she can't get the relative to stop: "Accept them graciously, and thank the person for the 'time and effort' it took to complete them," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
