How Can I Get Over A Guy Who Married Someone Else While We Were Dating, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Stop Loving A Guy Who Married Someone Else While He Was Dating Me?
I was sexually and mentally attracted to this guy for 12 years. We used to have the best times together, then suddenly he seemed a little standoffish, though I continued to be sexually involved with him.
I find out he got married while we were still sleeping together. He had been married six months before I even found out about it.
I still love him. His wife is extremely bougie, and he is not that type. He is like me — just likes to laugh and enjoy life. He is constantly calling, telling me he misses all the fun we had and the laughs.
I don't know what to do, but I do know I can't sleep with him now, knowing he's married.
Carolyn Hax gives the letter writer a real (virtual) talking-to. "Look at your own behavior here," she writes. "His wife is 'bougie'? Are you serious? You're blaming this on her?" Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Tell HR That My Colleague Joked About Getting My Friend (Who Harassed Her) Fired?
My coworker and close friend was fired this week for sexual harassment. He thought a female coworker of ours was "into him" and he dropped a lot of sexual innuendo into the conversation with her. It was obviously unwanted and made everyone, including me, uncomfortable, and I tried to warn him privately multiple times he should cut those comments off because I thought he was misinterpreting how she felt about him and he was getting a reputation for being the creepy guy in the office.
Well, this week one night after work (I wasn't present for this) he followed her to her car and tried to give her a "goodbye hug." She declined, he wouldn't drop it, she had to threaten to call the cops to get him to leave.
Needless to say, she complained to HR and my friend was fired… But today something happened that rubbed me the wrong way.
The sexual harassment victim was in breakroom being teased (about something totally unrelated) by another female coworker. The victim says (flippantly) "Don't mess with me, I can get people fired around here."
This just rubbed me the wrong way and I want to say something to HR? I don't deny she was the victim of something, but justice was doled out. I don't really think it's a laughing matter or she should be bragging that she "can get people fired."
Alison Green, the titular manager of Ask A Manager, suggests letting this go. "It's really common for people in stressful situations to use humor that might sound inappropriate to someone else," she notes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Transfer Part Of My Older Son's Successful Investment Portfolio To My Younger Son's Account?
In order to teach our young kids about money, when we started giving them an allowance, we had them place 10 percent into investments we managed on their behalf. This has gone well for our older son — better than we could have ever guessed, thanks to some amazingly lucky investments. Our banker has suggested that by the time our son reaches adulthood, the fund could be greater than anything we imagined when we created it. Our problem is what to do about our younger son, who is unlikely to see the same return on his investments. We have unwittingly created a situation of extreme inequality among our kids.
Since my older son is a minor and the account is in my name, I am able to transfer some of the value to our other son's account. Part of me thinks this is fair, since the investment plan wasn't initiated by either of our children, so I can't tell my younger son that his brother deserves the money due to his own wise planning. Our older son had luck and timing on his side, and nothing else. Should I divide the money in the name of equal treatment?
Dear Prudence, aka Mallory Ortberg, deems this an easy question. "Absolutely you should," she responds. "How fortunate for both of your children that you have been so lucky and that you are committed to providing for both of their financial futures." Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
Should I Support My Husband's Very Visible Protest Against Our Homeowner's Association's Halloween Decoration Rules?
My husband and I live in a medium-sized townhome community in a large city. We have a homeowner's association (HOA)…
The president of the HOA recently sent an email to all owners, saying that any Halloween decorations that included "representations of the occult or supernatural" (skeletons, witches, vampires, monsters, and even jack-o-lanterns), were unacceptable and would result in a fine. The only decorations permitted would be of a "general fall theme," and not Halloween-related.
My husband, as a lifelong fan of Halloween, absolutely flipped out. He replied to the email, told them they were overreaching, and that their religious preferences are not our problem…
Over the last week, he purchased every tacky Halloween decoration he could find.
He is intent on making a point, and the potential of a fight with the HOA is stressing me out. I agree that this is an overreach on the HOA's part, but I don't think it's worth fighting over.
Do I continue to allow his protest, or do I push back?
Amy Dickinson points out that the letter writer doesn't really have the ability to "allow" his or her husband to protest. "If you don't like your husband doing this, you can differentiate from him publicly by saying, 'He has the right to his own point of view. I don't happen to agree, but I don't control him," she suggests. Read the rest of her answer.
Should My Boyfriend And I Put Off Marriage Until After College, Even Though My Family Is Rich?
My boyfriend and I are in college. We've dated for two years. We talked about getting married after the first year. My parents supported it; it's common (even considered lucky) in my family to be married before 25. But his mother thought we were too young and asked us to date for another year. We did. Now she's added a new condition: that we be financially secure before marrying (even though I come from a wealthy family). I sense this pattern will continue, but her approval is essential to my boyfriend. Any advice?
Philip Galanes is quite a bit kinder to this letter writer than many advice columnists would be, and he suggests engaging in some reflection and discussion with her boyfriend before pushing for marriage. "You should be able to stand on your own two feet — but choose to stand together — before making this major decision," he writes. Read the rest of his answer.
How *Dare* A Girl I Dated Ask Me What The Dress Code For A Dinner Is
I find it mockingly insulting when a girl that you previously dated, and asked to an informal dinner, asks what the dress code is.
It puts pressure on the situation to make it more formal than it is, and what if I said formal (as in, I am trying to date her again) — would she take it the wrong way and get insulted? Or what if she IS interested and I say casual, and she gets insulted that it is not a date?
Either way, I argued that for an informal occasion, the question should not even have been asked.
Miss Manners suggests not reading too much into this request. "Is it too much of a stretch for you to consider that your friend is merely trying to figure out what would be appropriate for her to wear?" she meekly asks. Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
