How Can I Get My Friend To Stop Dating Criminals, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Friend To Stop Dating Criminals?
I'm worried about a close friend I have known for about 10 years. She's well-educated, independent and family-oriented. She has been online dating for quite a while and continually meets guys who have criminal backgrounds.
She dated one of them on the down low for two years because she was embarrassed by how he behaved in public. The most recent man served a 16-year prison sentence for being involved in a murder…
I have voiced my concerns. I asked her what she'd say to me if the tables were turned, and her responses mimic the concern I show her. I suggested she try a different website or mode of meeting potential partners, but it hasn't made a difference.
I believe in second chances up to a point, but now I'm genuinely worried for her safety. Is there anything else I can do to convince her to have safer boundaries?
Abigail Van Buren offers a quintessential "Dear Abby" aphorism: "Until your friend admits to herself that she's fishing for trout in the wrong stream, she'll continue to reel in sharks." Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
How Should I Respond To The Itemized Bill My Mom Sent Me After A Visit From My Daughter?
I sent a check for $300 to my mother to cover my daughter's expenses during her visit. Upon my daughter's return, my mother sent me an invoice for $475.50 for additional expenses, including the cost of gas to and from the airport to transport her (45 minutes away), train tickets to go to the city to a museum, and the cost of the museum admission. It was an itemized bill.
This is hurtful, as this past winter my mother came to live with us for four months and we paid for everything, including a nice vacation to an island over Christmas. (Neither of my siblings has a relationship with my mother because she is petty and doesn't respect boundaries — like a $300 budget).
How do I address her behavior? I am hurt and angry by her decision to charge me for gas to pick up her granddaughter from the airport, as well as the other expenses. My mother is a single woman (a retired college professor), and we have never asked her to pay for anything. We even write her a check for groceries when she hosts Thanksgiving dinner.
Amy Dickinson of "Ask Amy" recommends that the letter writer "communicate your questions and concerns to your mother" before "mak[ing] the tough decision about future visits." Read the rest of her answer.
Can I Give My Wife An Expensive Ring On The Condition That She Not Leave It To Her Daughter?
My wife and I have an anniversary coming up. It's the second marriage for both of us and has been a blessing. I'd like to give her a nice piece of jewelry to mark the event.
But here's the situation. Her daughter, as a teenager, resented her mom's marriage to me. For several years it was brutal. We have managed a reconciliation of sorts, now that she is 20-something, but I'll never be part of her "inner circle." I'm fine with this. It allows for an amiable family setting.
But I have five adult children of my own and 12 grandkids. Because of these separate pasts, we have kept our "assets" separate.
So, finally: Would it be unacceptable for me to request that my wife agree to bequeath a fine piece of jewelry to one of my progeny rather than to her daughter?
Carolyn Hax rules that it's not really a gift if it has strings attached and suggests, "Maybe you'd like to treat your wife to a romantic vacation for your anniversary?" Read the rest of her answer.
Do I Have To Continue Letting My Rude Neighbor's Son Use My Pool?
My neighbor's son is in a wheelchair and cannot vocalize. I have allowed them to use my pool for several years now and help the caregiver lift the son into the pool. The mother and the caregiver discuss politics, knowing my political affiliation differs from theirs; they are generally critical and negative. The mother stores pool equipment at our place — I have hinted that she should take it with her, but she insists on storing it here. When we had to replace the liner, she was very upset that a contractor was working on the pool for two days. Two years ago, I decorated with Christmas lights so her son could enjoy them. Last year I couldn't, due to Christmas activities at our church, and she e-mailed me asking why the lights weren't up. I understand what the Bible says about loving your neighbors. But how much bad behavior must we endure to make someone happy?
Robin Abrahams, who writes the Boston Globe's "Miss Conduct" column, advises the letter writer to "Figure out what will make pool-sharing more pleasant for you next summer, and ready yourself to have that conversation." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Make Sure My Friendly Acquaintance Finds Out I'm Dating Her Ex-Husband?
Several years ago, I had an exciting-but-short-lived affair with an acquaintance ("Alex") whose wife (also an acquaintance, let's call her "Emily") had recently left him for another man… [H]is divorce finalized, my divorce finalized, and I struck up more of a friendship with Emily (yes, partially because I am a flawed human who is drawn to self-destructive situations, but partially because she is a nice person who I genuinely enjoy). I would not go as far as calling us friends, but we do exchange polite texts and meet up for coffee every once in a while.
More recently, I've reconnected with Alex, and he and I are having a really nice time together. Our relationship is private but not secretive — we're out and about publicly and often enough that anyone could safely assume that we are together.
The problem: Either Emily isn't so inclined, or she legitimately doesn't care. It's been months, and she hasn't so much as alluded to the relationship to either of us… I have dreamed up the pettiest and most frivolous ways to tell her about his affair and our current relationship, but Alex assures me that no good can come of it, and that whatever satisfaction I draw from her revelation would likely double his grief trying to co-parent with her. I know he's right, but ugh.
What do you think? A casual selfie of us on Instagram? Or should I go full crazy and tape an anonymous note to her door? I'm only kidding, of course, but I do desperately want to tell this woman how goddamn sexy I find her ex. Why can't I let it go?
Mallory Ortberg, the current incarnation of Dear Prudence, asks the letter writer, "Why on earth would she notice whether you've been getting dinner a lot with the same guy lately?" and also theorizes that perhaps the letter writer has an unacknowledged crush on Emily. Read the rest of her answer.
[Slate]
Must I Call My New Employee 'Mrs. Stark,' Even Though Everyone Else Goes By Their First Name?
I recently hired a new employee in my 7-person department… She started this week and as I usually do, I took her around and introduced her to everyone as "Catelyn" (as we called her in the interview). At the end of the day, I brought her into my office to see how things were going and if she had any questions. I was slightly taken aback when she said she preferred to be called Mrs. Stark and not Catelyn.
Normally, I am fine with people's name preferences (e.g., nicknames), but we have a very informal office. Everyone from the receptionist to the CEO are called by their first names here. Her previous employer (whom she was with for over 10 years) had a much more formal workplace and I assume that is the way things were done there. I tried to explain how we do things, but she said it was what she was used to. I told her it's not the norm but we could try it and see (maybe not the best way to handle it — I was just stumped)…
I don't want to get off on the wrong foot by making her uncomfortable but I do see this as an issue. We deal with outside clients often who know us as casual. It just seems odd to have a meeting where I introduce the group, "Renly, this is my team: Robb, Bran, and Mrs. Stark." And I worry she will become a sort of joke and I don't want that at all. Any thoughts on how to approach this without it sounding like an edict?
Ask A Manager's Alison Green says that it's not unreasonable for the boss to insist that the letter writer use her first name in meetings with clients. Read the rest of her answer (and a follow-up from the letter writer).
