How Can I Prove That My Husband Is Trying To Poison Me, And Other Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
How Can I Get My Boss To Accept That I Don't Want To Cook For My Pregnant Coworker?
My manager asked the 25 people in our department if we'd be willing to cook meals for a coworker who is about to have their first child. While I'm happy and excited for this colleague and normally give when asked, it's Christmas and I'm tapped out in terms of both expendable cash and extra time. It's especially awkward for me to say no, since I just finished spearheading our corporate fundraising drive for a holiday charity. I responded to him privately that I would be unable to cook a meal, but that I'd be happy to drop meals off or contribute to our office mom-to-be in some other way. He's been giving me the silent treatment ever since. What's my next move?
Alison Green, the manager of Ask a Manager, responds, "I'm sure your manager means well, but this should be 100% optional." She suggests that the letter writer bring it up directly with his or her boss. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get Irrefutable Proof That My Husband Is Trying To Poison Me?
It's hard to believe, but I think my husband is trying to poison me…
I suspect he's putting something in my coffee. I notice it smells funny, and when I drink it, my eyes get superpuffy and swollen. I suspect he's also adding stuff to my lotions and bath products, which created brown discolorations on my skin… Same with my shampoos — whatever he's putting in them makes my hair extremely dry and knotted. These are expensive, high-end products that I know from experience work well. My suspicions have been further aroused since he's started ranting about my "using chemicals."
I've now switched to drinking tea, have left decoy shampoos and skin products in the bathroom, and have hidden my "good" products. (My hair and skin improved almost overnight.)
Last month I purchased a small camera and hid it in the bathroom, but I think he discovered it and deleted the files. So I moved it to a new location, and he put something in front of the lens. I need help. I've been married to this man for 11 years! I don't know what to do! I'm freaked out!
I have a successful career and own significant assets. He doesn't work… Can you suggest a camera that might be more user-friendly and more easily concealed? Do you know a good lab where I can send the products to have them tested for tampering? Should I go to the police before I have proof?
[Elle]
E. Jean, Elle's advice columnist, chides the letter writer for having her priorities slightly out of whack. "Trust me, your lawyer will have the products tested," she writes. "But really, now, if you gotta video this chump because you think he's trying to murder you — does it matter what tests reveal?" Read the rest of her answer.
Is It A Red Flag That My Boyfriend Constantly Reminds Me About How Much Money He Spends On Me?
My boyfriend of two years and I have been talking of marriage, kids, life, etc. He's amazing, and we always have fun together. There's just one little thing that is making me question our future… He's oddly cheap.
He makes a lot (A LOT) of money — over four times what I make. He takes me out to nice dinners and dates. He drives a very nice car and never hesitates to spend money on his motor toys…
The thing is that he will comment and complain about money he spends on me or us. At dinner he sometimes points out the cheapest meal and the cheapest wine even if it's something I don't like, and snorts if I might want a second glass or dessert or an appetizer… He rarely ever lets me pay for anything, but he reminds me of the nice dinner he took me to or how much he spent on our date night. I paid the bill last weekend, because I didn't want any comments about my second glass of wine; he forgot I had paid, and the next day asked me if I liked the dinner he took me to. We went to the market together to get stuff to make dinner. I wanted to add nuts to the salad (I'm vegetarian so it's my protein), but he told me it was getting too expensive as is, so I put them back. I made and cleaned up the entire meal, and he still had the nerve to remind me what a nice dinner he'd gotten for us to make. If we go out for lunch during the week, he always wants to split something, even salad, but then he will get a side for himself, and I'm still slightly hungry…
It's just weird, and I don't even know if I should try and talk to him about it? … Is this a major red flag that I'm ignoring?
Liz Moorhead, A Practical Wedding's advice columnist, answers the letter writer's final question with an emphatic "yes." "What really startles me here is how he uses money as a weapon," she points out. "He's not only withholding, but then also lords his 'generosity' (which is in no way real) over you." Read the rest of her answer.
Why Hasn't My Niece Sent Me A Thank-You Note Yet For The Bible I Gave Her As A Wedding Gift?
My niece got married recently. I gave them a family Bible. Having not heard from them, I asked them if they got it. Then they wrote and said they have not sent out thank-you's because they were waiting on pictures. She said she is working and hasn't had the time. I said, can't her husband help? I mean, if she has time to go to the gym, she has time to write thank-you's.
My brother said there is no time limit on sending a thank-you note.
My opinion is that people would like a thank you soon after the event, rather than waiting two or more months. Who needs a picture? My niece put plenty on Facebook. A prompt thank you is better.
Your opinion?
Amy Dickinson, aka Ask Amy, suggests that the letter writer has gone "round the bend." "Couples should thank people promptly," she acknowledges. "But you chasing them and demanding a 'proper' thank you isn't helping." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get Past The Fact That My Mom Gave Away Several Of My American Girl Dolls?
Before my paternal grandmother died, she would buy me an original American Girl doll every year for Christmas. I had the dolls, the books, and most of the accessories. My fondest memories of my time with my grandmother were playing with those dolls. I took very good care of them, and when I went off to college, I packed them up to be stored at my mother's house. I have graduated and have my own place, so I went back to my mother's to get my stored stuff. My mother gave away several of my dolls! A co-worker helped her out and mentioned her young daughter liked the dolls, so my mother just gave them to her! I was heartbroken, and we fought. My mother didn't think it should matter since I had "so many." I told her those dolls were worth a lot and she had no right to steal my things. I wanted her to tell me the name of her co-worker so I could get my dolls back. She refused and said that it was out of the question, that I would be embarrassing her.
My mother never liked my grandmother or how close I was to her or my father after the divorce. I can't get over this… Sometimes I think I should call up my mother's office and figure out who has my dolls — there are only two or three women who have girls the right age. I could take my mother to small claims court, but that would ruin everything more. These dolls and a few pictures are all I have left of my grandmother. What should I do?
[Slate]
Mallory Ortberg, aka Dear Prudence, says that trying to get the dolls back at this point would be unwise. "Please find a therapist who can help you work through these feelings of resentment and grief, and do not attempt to harass your mother's co-workers," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Neighbors To Stop Comparing Me To A Character On A Show That Went Off The Air 45 Years Ago?
I was told recently by a neighbor that the neighbors next door to me call me Mrs. Kravitz, a reference to the nosy neighbor on "Bewitched." I am bewildered and hurt.
My kitchen window is in view of their back door, and when I'm washing dishes or cleaning up the area, they can see me; I can't see them. Now I bend down so if they are anywhere around they won't see me. This is very uncomfortable for me, but I'd rather do this than have them make such hurtful remarks about me.
I never ask them any questions except, "How are you?" or "How's the family?" If this is considered nosy, I won't even ask that much.
What can I do to make them understand? I don't watch them as they think I do.
Annie Lane, who writes the Dear Annie column, urges the letter writer to put this perceived slight in perspective. "Who knows if they ever actually called you 'Mrs. Kravitz'?" she writes. "It's possible this intermediary neighbor was just trying to stir the cauldron, so to speak." Read the rest of her answer.
