How Can I Get My Coworker To Quit Asking Everyone For Money, And Other Great Advice Column Questions
There are too many excellent (and crazy) advice columns to keep up with, so we're committed to bringing you links to the best advice column questions and answers every week. Here's a roundup of the most interesting, thought-provoking and surprising questions that our favorite columnists addressed in recent days.
Should I Tell My Colleague's Manager That She Keeps Hitting Everyone In The Office Up For Money?
Since last holiday season when my office hired Cersei, she has quietly hit up almost everyone in our small office for various short-term personal loans. I personally have always been firm and apologetic with her when saying no for myself. Saying no was easy because it seemed really inappropriate, and because of the amounts she would ask for ranged so widely, sometimes with 2+ requests in one day, such as $10 for gas (less weird, maybe, but still weird) to hundreds for a vet bill (ok, getting weirder) to a thousand and change for a car repair (which shocked me so much I laughed out loud).
My colleague Sansa, who fell for one of her sob stories, lent her the $1,000+ amount and waited through months of flimsy promises before it was repaid. After that, when she realized that Cersei was comfortable asking for money again and again, Sansa came to me to tell me her experience and ask what I would suggest. That's when I realized that my interactions with Cersei were not isolated… With the exception of one very junior staffer, Cersei has hit up everyone, with different sob stories for each person, sometimes even on the same day.
So my question for you is — is this a personal boundaries issue that each person should just deal with individually, or is this a work-related problem that I should now bring to Cersei's manager? Cersei does not handle money or any company assets, so that's not a variable, but sheesh, how do we get this to stop?
Alison Green of Ask A Manager says it's a good idea to tell Cersei's manager. "A good manager (and even many mediocre managers) would want to know that an employee was regularly pressuring coworkers for personal loans," she writes. Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Have Sex With My Girlfriend's 18-Year-Old Daughter, Whom I've Been Attracted To For Years?
My girlfriend "Wendy" and I have been living together for seven years. She has a daughter, "Ariel," 18, who recently graduated from high school. Ariel and I always got along great, but I liked her more than I liked her mother, and I feel terrible about it.
A few years into our relationship, Wendy started neglecting her health and hygiene, put on weight, wouldn't exercise, and after a while I was no longer attracted to her.
All the while, Ariel started to look great, and I couldn't stop thinking about her.
I saved all my passions for Wendy, but honestly I was thinking about Ariel the whole time…
When Ariel was 15, I suggested sending her to boarding school. She loved the school, and I hate to say it, but another reason I wanted her to go there was because I wanted to have a relationship with her, and I hated myself for it…
I was visiting Ariel at her school right after she turned 18, and she came on to me. Now that she is 18, she's been telling me that she wants to have sex with me before she goes off to college.
I confess, I am almost ready to take her up on it. I'd be breaking no laws. If I left Wendy, I wouldn't suffer.
Would it ruin Ariel's life or cause her trouble later on if we have this relationship now?
Ask Amy, aka Amy Dickinson, lets this letter writer have it, scolding, "Even if you would not be breaking any laws, your behavior so far has been despicable." Read the rest of her answer.
Should I Let My Husband Go On A Week-Long Hiking Trip With A Woman He Met On The Internet?
My husband and I are apparently at very different points as to the shape opposite-gender friendships take. He is an avid, hardcore hiker. He met a woman (also married) on a hiking forum and wants to take a week-long hiking trip with her to an extremely isolated location.
He says that since there's nothing there between them, it's fine to take a trip like this. I feel uncomfortable and think it's weird to take an extended, super-isolated trip with an opposite-gender friend. I've never met this woman and probably never will, as she lives across the country. So this isn't a pal whom I know and who knows me. Thoughts?
Carolyn Hax points out that the husband has put this letter writer in a tough spot. "You say no and you're possessive, jealous and distrustful," she writes. "You say yes and you're a rube." Read the rest of her answer.
How Can I Get My Husband To Stop Touching Every Woman He Sees Without Talking To Him?
My husband cannot be around a female without putting his hands on her shoulder or back. He "has" to touch. I'm not jealous, but embarrassed when I see women cringe and the expression on their faces sometimes. I keep hoping one of them will confront him about it. It's getting worse the older he gets, especially with younger women.
Do not suggest talking to him. He is never wrong and becomes livid when confronted.
Dear Abby, aka Abigail Van Buren, suggests putting the burden on the victims of this situation: "Because you can see the women are uncomfortable, talk privately with them and suggest they speak up and tell him not to do it again." Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
How Can I Get My Sister And Aunt To Stop Asking Me To Give Them All My Things?
I have two relatives, a sister and an aunt, who are constantly asking for my things — clothes, jewelry, household items, etc. It's almost every time I see them. They don't want to borrow; they want me to give it to them.
I bought a dress at an estate sale and my aunt immediately said she wanted it, even though it wasn't her size. I had bought her a vintage jacket, but she wanted my dress, too. My sister does the same thing. She'll visit my home and admire something I have, and continue to say things like, "I really wish I had that" until I just give it to her. It's gotten to the point that I avoid being around them and I'm angry when I do see them. Neither of them seem to really care about the items after they get them.
So what can I say to break the cycle? I have said no, but they start again the next time I see them. I don't want to be rude or say something mean to them, but it is grating on me.
Miss Manners, the persona jointly managed by Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, points out that this letter writer is encouraging this behavior by acquiescing to her relatives' requests. "Have you not noticed that occasionally giving in by giving up your property is not an effective way to discourage them?" she asks. Read the rest of her answer.
[UExpress]
How Can I Get My Boyfriend To Stop Playing With My Hair?
I have been dating a guy for three years; we are very serious. But he does something that drives me bonkers. He suffers from bad anxiety and constantly plays with my hair. His mother told me he's done this since he was a baby, screaming and crying until he could touch her hair. I thought it was endearing until he continued doing it after I asked him to stop. Now, I stop him every time, but he goes right back to it after a few minutes. What can we do?
Philip Galanes, the Social Q's columnist for The New York Times Sunday Styles section, advises the letter writer to steer her boyfriend into therapy, since "You can't sweep his anxiety and your bodily integrity under the rug." Read the rest of his answer.
