The Only Things You Care About From The Apple Event

​Apple took several hours of our time today to announce a new suite of products and innovations. The only thing you care about is the phone. Here's what you need to know.

• The iPhone 6 has a 4.7" display, up from the 4" display of the 5S.

• The iPhone 6 Plus has an even larger display, at 5.5".

• Both phones are thinner than the 5s. That's cool.

• The phones come with either 16, 64, or 128 GBs. You can preorder them this Friday, the 12th. They'll start arriving on the 19th.

• Pricing on the phones with a two-year contract is as follows:

• iPhone 6: $199 for 16 GB, $299 for 64 GB, $399 for 128 GB.

• iPhone 6 Plus: $299 for 16 GB, $399 for 64 GB, $499 for 128 GB.

• The 6 Plus is nearly the size of an iPad mini and gets a new keyboard design with better functionality in landscape mode. There are now keys for copy and paste, for example. Still no keys for "random emoji response."

• The phones both use a new 64-bit chip. Obviously, it is faster. Apple claims it is a 20% faster CPU than the 5S.

• Gaming is supposed to be super awesome, but the guy playing a game was wearing an infinity scarf, so we couldn't tear our eyes away from him to confirm that.

• The battery life is also marginally improved in the new phones. Except for LTE browsing, which is the thing you use most on your phone, that's unchanged, with the exception of the 6 Plus where you get TWO MORE HOURS of furiously refreshing your ex's Instagram feed.

• Apple improved both LTE and WiFi speeds on the new models. You can now make standard calls over WiFi and seamlessly transfer to cell service if you leave an area with WiFi. Currently, it's only available for T-Mobile. Get it on your SideKick™.

• Obviously, there is a better camera as well with faster auto-focus. Your selfies will look faaaahbulous. It also takes ridiculously slow super-slo-mo.

• There's also a feature called "burst selfies" which sounds sort of NSFW to us.

• Fitness apps can now track elevation changes with a built-in barometer. This doesn't matter unless you exercise, so chances are this doesn't apply to you. And if you do care about tracking your fitness, there are much easier ways to do it than carrying your phone with you on a run!

• The new phones all come with iOS 8.

• The new Messages app lets you do things like share your location, and suggests words you want to use with QuickType. Making the simple process of sending someone small bits of text even more fraught.

• Apple's pitch for replacing the wallet is basically a Telebrands-style "Aren't debit cards such a PAIN?" video. Not pictured in the Apple Pay demo is the process of taking out your phone, unlocking it, opening up the Passbook app, explaining how Apple Pay works to the cashier, futzing with TouchID authentication, then finally paying.

• Apple Pay allows you to wave your phone in front of a checkout counter to purchase things. It'll work with the three major payment networks (Visa, MasterCard and American Express), and almost a dozen banks. Card numbers are never stored on your device, nor on Apple's servers. Payment info is sent with a "dynamic security code" — so retailers can't see your card info, and Apple can't see what you buy. Like magic. If it works.

• Apple Pay has an open API so that new apps will be able to integrate it as well, so expect more retailers to jump on in the near future. Apple Pay will also work on Apple Watch. Or you could just pay with cash.

The bottom line: You will feel like a lesser human being if you don't immediately purchase one of these phones.

• One more thing… Apple introduced the Apple Watch. It's a watch. It communicates in "intimate ways" according to Tim Cook. It's also a health and fitness device.

• Apple Watch requires the iPhone to operate.

• There is also the Apple Watch Sport and Apple Watch Edition.

• Pricing starts at $349 and will be available in early 2015.

• The watch is admittedly pretty slick. Instead of relying on a tiny touchscreen, the watch uses a digital crown — that little dial you find on the side of traditional watches — to navigate through functions without blocking the screen.

• Navigation looks pretty simple, and the watch activates automatically when you raise your wrist to glance at it. The watches communicate with each other, sort of like tiny, personal communicators. You can even share your heartbeat with another watch.

• The display senses both touch and force, so it can differentiate between a tap or a press. This allows Apple to design a whole new set of interactions.

• The Watch gives "taptic feedback" — which is a fancy word for vibrations — based on your inputs. An accelerometer and a pulse sensor keep track of your fitness goals.

• There's a magsafe wireless inductive charger and a variety of straps available.

• Watch is connected to the Fitness and Health apps on your iPhone and tracks all your physical activity throughout the day. It gives workout reminders and tracks your workout goals. Our daily goal is just to get out of bed, so hopefully this will help with that.

• But the coolest thing about Watch is that you can reply to your friends' inane text messages with totally customizable emoji. ~Smirk Face~

The bottom line: We've never wanted a smart watch before. We sort of want one now.